Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Narssism & adoption

Recently I have been accused of misquoting someone on my blog whom I have the misfortune of 'knowing' on Y!A.  I quite happily responded to this person that I had quoted them word for word so if the comments aren't there now this person deleted the comments.  To be quite honest I couldn't be bothered looking as I know I had quoted the person.  I am not bothered this person was negative of this as I have obviously hit a nerve plus I have no problems with being cyber stalked.  Anybody who objects to me being honest of my views on adoption, coercion, infant adoption, wanting to educate people .... well .... that's your problem not mine.  Maybe it is about time you look at yourself and ask why you object to a mother who was coerced into surrendering being negative about infant adoption.  It doesn't take an intelligent person to work out that this is based on my own experience, the way people have treated me, educating myself and listening to other experiences. 

The same person accuses me of being a liar yet has recently decided that yes coercion was still going on until the 1980's.  Well except it doesn't apply to me even though my son was born in 1981 as I'm really a liar.  Yeah .... right ....as if I am going to keep up the 'lies' that I started in 2004.  I hope this person is still reading as it's been over eight years now and I am still telling the truth.  If I was a liar I would have been caught out so many times by now. 

It actually scares the heck out of me that this person is a licensed foster parent as "she" believes that more children should be removed at birth.  There are too many forced adoptions now without people like this wanting to inflame the situation more.  This person is too uneducated to understand that there are some children should never have been removed in the first place.  There are other children who should be removed from their parents yet they are slipping the net.  I have nothing against children being removed from their parents if they are being abused.  I have nothing against social services being involved with families.  This happens and it's great every time there is a success story.  There is nothing wrong with a social worker with parents so they become better parents or that they get the support they need.  Social work isn't just about removing abused children it is also there to help keep families together.  The point is nobody can know if someone will be a bad parent or a good parent until they have children.

Narcissism isn't something I thought about a friend talked about it in reference to her (reunited) son.  It got me thinking about my own son and his behaviour.  Other (online) friends started bringing this up due to me  being at my wit's end with him.  This a good definition of narcissism:


What is Narcissism? Narcissism is an unhealthy focus on self that affects others in unhealthy ways. Everyone to some extent is narcissistic. Most people ‘want the good stuff’ and from a psychological point of view: everything we do is for some emotional ‘payoff’ - in order to feel better about ourselves and life.
The definitive quality of healthy narcissism is obtaining self-gratifying results in ways that don’t damage other people, whereas unhealthy narcissism works from the mindset: “I win, and I don’t care if you lose,” or, “Your loss is my win.” Narcissism is self-absorption coupled with destructive behaviour, and is a world-wide epidemic. 

My son has openly admitted to me and other people that he is self obsessed.  I have seen for myself how obsessed he is.  There have been many times that he has accused me off doing and saying things he has said and done.  Even when I have been able to prove that I am in the right he has said that if I am say I'm in the right then fair enough.  He has come across as treating me like a child who needs pacifying instead of admitting that he is in the wrong.  He believes he is in the right all the time.

Friday, 1 March 2013

The anti-adoption are a "culture" and a cult

That's right you've read it here first if you don't go onto Y!A and it's the latest little gem I have found.  Yes you have read that properly and if I didn't find it so funny I would now be venting.  The little gem is on this question http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkoUCB5KP_AXsHMJga_UkmauDH1G;_ylv=3?qid=20130301071714AAq5jfN and the question is:  "genetic mirroring" Is it a meme? If not, science link please?

The questioner got huffy so added this to her answer;  If you had to look up "meme," you probably don't know how to use it or the answer to the actual question. Thanks for trying. Mincing the word to mean what you want is not a scientific source of the claim. Neither is Wiki. 
I am not ashamed of admitting to using Google to make sure of my facts even if I resort to looking at wiki.  I wasn't the only one to do that so posted the first paragraph of the definition.
A meme (pron.: /ˈmiːm/; meem)[1] is "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture."[2] A meme acts as a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols or practices, which can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals or other imitable phenomena. Supporters of the concept regard memes as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate, mutate and respond to selective pressures.[3]
Of course any 'put downs' is enough for me to look for more reliable sources and came up with this one.

[meem] Show IPA
a cultural item that is transmitted by repetition in a manner analogous to the biological transmission of genes.
1976; < Gk mīmeîsthai to imitate, copy; coined by R. Dawkins, Brit. biologist 
So far I haven't had any smart Alec comebacks to that one but I was polite in my response.  I did admit to having a giggle at the idea that anti adoption is a cult so couldn't resist adding this to my answer:
As you don't understand the definition of cult here is the Oxford Dictionary definition which I believe over you.
Definition of cult
1a system of religious veneration and devotion directed towards a particular figure or object:the cult of St Olaf
a relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or as imposing excessive control over members:a network of Satan-worshipping cults
a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular thing:the cult of the pursuit of money as an end in itself
2a person or thing that is popular or fashionable among a particular group or section of society:the series has become a bit of a cult in the UK [as modifier]:a cult film    
Sometimes I wish I could get into the heads of some people.  I do believe this person is just trying to get a reaction and because she hasn't she has resorted to coming out with stupid comments.  If anti adoption is a cult then I am happy to be part of it.  Nobody has forced me to be anti adoption of infants, nobody has forced me to be anti using coercive tactics to get a mother to surrender.  I came to that decision all by myself without any help.  Being educated by adoptees and finding out that I wasn't alone in being a mother who was coerced has helped me to come to terms with what happened.
I know I upset people who are pro adoption no matter what the consequences.  They simply reinforce my determination to be honest about my own experience.  Nobody will shut me up.  If they are offended by me that is their problem not mine.  If they don't want to be educated that's up to them.  If they don't like someone daring to tell others of the dark side of adoption then they should tell me why I am wrong.  Nobody has given me one good reason why I should shut up and disappear into the woodwork.  Being insulted, receiving hate messages and cyber bullying just makes me even more determined.
There will always be adopters who are so blinded by how 'wonderful adoption is'  that they don't realize some of their statements don't prove a point.
An example is from the above question:
"I have both biological and adopted kids. The kid most like his grandfather --- the adopted son. Mannerisms, speech pattern, tics, likes and dislikes, interests, foibles etc, etc, They are very close and physically one has blue eyes and one has green and one has dark hair and the other light brown. GM is BS."
My son's adoptive mother has blonde hair and blue eyes, my son has blond hair and blue eyes, I have blonde hair and blue eyes.  We were separated by adoption for 23 years yet he is more like me than her.  Whenever anybody chatted to us when he lived with us and didn't know he had been adopted guessed he was my son because we are so much alike not just in looks.  We have the same mannerisms, likes and dislikes. It would have been easy to explain that I hadn't raised him and we were in reunion but complete (and random) strangers and people I don't know well don't need to know my life history or my son's   The point is that adopters who come out with statements like the above are too wrapped up in their own lives that that they can't 'see' the reality that their adopted child might be more like their natural parents.