Not a Good Enough Mother

Not a Good Enough Mother

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a mother,
A loving marriage to have in the future,
A future full of love, happiness and laughter,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

When I was older life was different to my dreams,
Single and pregnant I want to be a mother by any means,
Having a job and ready to be a mother wasn't seen,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

 
My parents were angry I couldn't abort,
Not listening to what I thought,
The discussion that followed was very short,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

The adoption agency was coercive,
The trust I had at first short lived,
Frightened and alone without support,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My dream of being a mother swiftly dying,
At night alone in my bed crying,
Emotionally shutting down and sighing,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Life went on, the pain has never died,
Dreams never coming true of being a mother, 
My emptiness I could only hide,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

My dream of meeting my son one day,
Came true, my fears began sway,
Could I now prove I could be a good mother?
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Happiness, sadness, depression and pain.
What else could I gain?
My son I love so much I can claim,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother. 

 
Dreams of happiness have been shattered,
My son expected a perfect mother,
I tried my best and yet could not do enough,
To my son I am not a good enough mother.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

Been a while.....

The post months have been bad since March mainly because of depression / the depression forums we run and due to a neighbour from hell.  It frustrated so much that he was too cowardly to say anything to Rick yet took every opportunity to make my life hell.  Of course it all came to head with the police being involved and our housing association was very helpful.  Unfortunately they admitted it would take months to evict him and we couldn't take any more.  We were able to get moved quickly and our housing association were very supportive although we are renting from another one now.  Even with the stress of moving it went fairly smoothly as we only moved three miles.  We are quite happy where we are, we still get to see friends regularly and making new friends where we are.

Last year I joined up with adoption.com posted a few times but wasn't really where I needed to be for reaching out for support.  I originally got support post reunion online for years, slowed it up as I was moving on although have appreciated the support I got when needed.  Now I am back in a place where I want some contact with people who understand.  It still feels a bit strange going onto a forum that is specifically adoption related but I feel I have something to give back.

Happy Birthday Anthony

You were born 32 years ago today.  A day I will never forget not because of the joy of giving birth to a beautiful boy but because I knew I was on a losing battle to keep.

Other mothers were filled with happiness.  I was filled with sadness.

Other mothers smiled.  I cried.

Other mothers looked forward to taking their babies home.  I felt like I had no future.

No words can explain how I truly felt over the years.  Anger kept me going.  It wasn't healthy.  Depression came close to killing me a few times over the years.  I felt that I had nothing to live for.  I wasn't a 'good enough mother' to be encouraged to raise you.  Yet I was a 'good enough aunt' to look after your cousins, spend time with them and take them out.  What was the difference? 

If I wasn't 'good enough' to be a mother to you why was I a 'good enough' aunt to them?

When I found you it was a day of relief, happiness, joy and answer to prayer that you were alive and well.  It also meant I couldn't keep buried the feelings of despair, anger, pain, hurt, sadness and heartache that I had felt for 23 years.  I wanted to believe you when you told me that your wanted a relationship with me.  I believed you when you told me you wanted me to acknowledge that I am your mother and that you are my son.  I took it all when you were having a bad day.  I kept quiet when you blamed me for what was wrong in your life.  Or I would gently reason with you that I couldn't erase the pain.  I put up with you accusing me of doing and saying what you had done or said.  That was until I had had enough of it and would proof I hadn't done or said what you accused me off.

None of this stopped me or Rick taking you in when you had nowhere else to go.  It was the dream I never thought would happen.  I didn't want to replace your other mother I just wanted to enjoy being a mother to you for a short time.

I (and Rick) put up with the lies you told even though we would tell you we knew what lies you told.

We put up with you disrespecting our boundaries. 

We put up with you throwing your toys out of the pram ever time things didn't go your way.

We looked after you when you were ill and tried to help with your issues by getting appropriate mental health help.

What, then, did I do so wrong?

Did I love you too much?

Did I make the mistake of standing you to you when you behaved badly or lied?

Were we wrong to not to let you split us up?

Were we so very wrong to try and help you feel better?

What was it about me that you decided I'm not a good enough mother?

Why did you live with us so long as you believe I'm not a good enough mother and not worthy of being a grandmother to your son or step grandmother to your step daughter?

Will the day ever come that you will stop thinking of your own pain?

Does it ever stop me from loving you?

No it doesn't.  I will always love you, happy birthday son.    
  

A new royal baby born.....

My interest amounted to only wanting to know what sex the baby is. It's not that I'm not interested as much as the news coverage is OTT as usually.  The idiotic comments have been coming out such as the baby hasn't been named yet.  Well how the heck does anybody know whether he has got a name yet.

On a more personal level it makes me sad.  Sad that I didn't raise my only child.  Sad that he thinks so little of me that I'm not even allowed to know my grandson's name let alone when he was born.  It is just another of those knives in the heart for me.

Every time  I hear or read someone spouting how wunnerful adoption is I want to smash my fist through my laptop or hit a wall.  When these people live the painful side of adoption let them spout how wonderful adoption is then.  But it is unlikely they ever will.

I have been severely depressed since the beginning of March which hasn't helped.   The reasons I have been depressed haven't even been specifically adoption related,   The cycle has been the usual outside influences getting me down as I have been dragged into their problems.  We have a neighbour from hell who has been usual me as his target for hate.  I have also had triggers by things that have been said in general and the people involved haven't realized they have triggered me.  It has come to the stage of ever decreasing circles with even less periods of being happy.  I have forgotten what it is like to be truly happy as it's been so long.  I am struggling more and more with suicidal thoughts and have given up talking about it as I know I'm not being taken seriously.  It's a good thing I'm not a betting person as I wouldn't want to chance making a bet on how I die.  I am simply keeping a record here now and have posted on a forum regularly with regards to my battle.  It is a stand I have to make from today of the devastating effect adoption has had on me.

"Do you think parents who put up kids for adoption should be punished for it?"

This question frustrated the heck out of me and the source is at this link ~ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuU6A5HVkzGMBHI511D4oFMWT31G;_ylv=3?qid=20130614185355AAoWIPe
 
"Do you think parents who put up kids for adoption should be punished for it?"

When I read this question my heart sank.  Sadly I was right to think it was either someone just out to stir the pot or simply spiteful.  I completely disagree with the question and would rather see every person who coerces a mother into surrendering be punished.

The person started of with this statement "... i hate adoption. lazy stupid careless dumb-assed females choose to produce kids when they know that they can't provide and ain't ready. then they unload their responsibility to someone else to take care of it."

A side note is that I must be showing my age as I was irritated by the poor grammar though out the question. 

Anyway the reasoning after the question was jaw dropping.  It's bad enough insulting mothers who have gone through an unplanned pregnancy.  To assume all mothers who surrender are lazy, stupid and dumb-ass is very rude.  This person doesn't know the circumstances behind mothers falling pregnant let alone what kind of people they are.  He or she is also assuming that they (I) unloaded their children (my son) off to someone else without a care in the world.  Nor does he or she knows whether all the mothers including me could or couldn't afford to raise our children or whether we were ready or not.

Even with planned children nobody can be fully prepared to raise their first child.  Parents don't have to wealthy to have children nor do they have to be in their mid twenties or older.  I openly admit my son wasn't planned but it didn't mean I wasn't ready or wasn't able to provide for him.  I knew right from the start I wanted to raise him.  I was also able to provide for him as I was working and I would have got Child Benefit as well. 

"they don't even give the kid to their close relatives but to a stranger even if their family got a spot. i can't understand how both the boy and girl's extended families lack a spot for a child. then some idiots are on drugs and beat their kids."

I wouldn't have wanted to give my son to my parents raise let alone strangers.  My desire was to parent.  I should have been supported in my choice to be a mother.  Had I been inclined not to parent I would have preferred my sister to be a legal guardian.  I didn't though I wanted to be a mother. 

My reality was that my parents didn't want my son in any of our lives.  If my mother had had her way she would have waved a magic wand and he would never have existed in the first place or I would have aborted him.  She never accepted him post reunion.  According to her I was nothing to him, she didn't want to understand why he wanted me in his life and his only family is his adoptive family.  He was the thorn in her side that fell out then came back 18 years later.  Shame she, my dad and sister couldn't be happy for me or him and delayed our reunion by five years.  My mother was the one who messed up, not me but in doing so she ruined our lives.  

".... if i were the president of the world, i would put the kid in a foster care, but then you should be behind bars for a decade............. for choosing drugs over child, choosing to have child when not ready..... and letting other people do your homework...."

 

This is the sort of thing I would expect an immature teen to come out with.  It is extremely immature and stupid to come out with such a suggestion.  It costs money for a child to be in care and to put mothers into jail.  A mother shouldn't be jailed just because she is a teen mother who may or may not have surrendered her child.  Money would be better spent on mothers raising their children until they can stand on their own two feet.  Not all mothers chose drugs over their children.  I am intelligent enough to know there are mothers like that.  There is a couple I know that chose drugs over their first two children who were then adopted,  However they changed their ways and are raising children now.  Most of the mothers I know were either coerced into surrendering or believed that they were doing the right thing.  Some regret it completely, others have good days and bad days.  Referring to raising children as homework is stupid.  Raising children can be hard but most parents never regret it because they love their children and wouldn't be without them due to the joy their children give them.  I only have to listen to my sister to know how proud she is of her children. 

 

".... it pisses me off when these dumb-assed adopted kids look for their stupid birth parents. i would never do that if u chose something else over me, i only acknowledge the one who raised me. what do u think?"

 

Well bully for him or her.  There is nothing good or right about sealed records, not having information on natural parents, amended birth certificates, lack of medical information.  Adopted children / adults are treated like second class citizens which is wrong.

".... on the issue of being raped, those people raped are the ones that put themselves in such situations. they hang out with wrong people bz they wan to be social. they move out at night yet they know the dangers. if u get pregnant from a rape, u should abort that kid when it is no less than 4 months if u don't want to be reminded constantly. that is fairly enough time, & if u choose to keep it when u're not ready, then u should go to jail."

 

This statement sickened me.  Nobody deserves to be raped.  A child isn't asking for it if she is babysat by a male, a woman should be able to walk alone without fear of being raped.  Hanging out with the wrong crowd doesn't excuse rape.  A woman shouldn't be forced to abort because she was raped.  It should be her choice and if she wants to raise her child who is just as much a victim then she should be supported in her choice.  Why should victims be punished for the crimes of their rapists?

"i think those teens who get pregnant should be sentenced to jail time or some long hours of community service, that would reduce teen pregnancies cos some just want to get babies they can't afford"

 

Again a stupid, cruel suggestion to come out with.  It would be unfair on the mother and her child nor would it solve anything.

 

In this day and age it's sad to see terrible views on teenage pregnancy and adoption.  In an ideal would nobody would be raped or abused.  All children would be wanted by their parents and family.  Mothers would also be encouraged to parent.

Pain, depression, suicidal .....

March and early April are tough although after Mother's Day (in the UK) my mood improves.  This year has been different and I have been driven to be suicidal by people who should know better.

I co run a depression forums and a few weeks ago a discussion got out of hand.  Myself and another person were attacked and we defended each other.  A few sharp remarks were made but I was apologised too so I thought that would be the end of it.  The other member wouldn't let it drop and went for the jugular which inflamed the situation.  I was left having to deal with the mess which left this person being angrier at me and accusing me of being worse than the other two.  This was despite him forwarding nasty messages he had sent to one of them and posts he had written.  The other member was very upset for good reason and had warned him if he carried on that this person would inform the police.

He and two other members set up a new freebie forums on proboards as I was getting the blame for all that had been said.  I was accused of not trying to sort things out with one of the other two.  They have virtually accused me of being a liar nd that it's all in my head that rumours are flying around.  I know I haven't lied, that I have sent an email to one person, that at least one person has been nasty.  I have even been accused of sending a nasty email to the person I was actually trying to sort things out with or if I didn't that I know who did.  Without me actually seeing the email I can't prove who did or at least have a good idea who did.

It's got to the stage that one person I was keeping in touch with privately as well as on the forums is now refusing to have contact.  At least one person has been stirring the pot even though I refused to be dragged into the petty squabbling.  He believes the other three over me even though I can prove I haven't done anything wrong. 

Over the past two weeks I have been suicidal and it's been a struggle not to overdose on tablets.  Every time I think the matter has been dropped I get another message or email knocking me back down again.  The last time I felt as bad as this was 2005 and a year into reunion.  What makes it even worse is the people I considered friends knew how low I was feeling and been verging on committing suicide.  This was to do with someone wanting to join up with the forums before all the nastiness.  Just because he wasn't approved quick enough I was sent four abusive, threatening messages.  We got the police involved who eventually got him help in the form of the mental health team.  He had also got approved by another administrator by using a different username and email.  He then went onto be abusive and threatening on the forums and at this person for defending me until I banned him.

I am doing my best to hang on in there but it's getting increasingly harder.  At least one person is on a vendetta to make my life even more of a living hell.       

Real Mothers.....

Reading a comment by adoptive mother that adoptive parents are the real parents of adopted children got me thinking of the story in the bible of the two mothers who went before King Solomon.

1 Kings 3:16-28 New International Version - UK (NIVUK) 
A wise ruling

¹⁶ Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. ¹⁷ One of them said, ‘Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. ¹⁸ The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
¹⁹ ‘During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. ²⁰ So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. ²¹ The next morning, I got up to nurse my son – and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’
²² The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’
But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king.
²³ The king said, ‘This one says, “My son is alive and your son is dead,” while that one says, “No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.”’
²⁴ Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. ²⁵ He then gave an order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’
²⁶ The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’
But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’
²⁷ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’
²⁸ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.

It makes that very good point that real mothers want what is best for their child.  Just because a mother surrenders a child it doesn't stop her from being a real mother.  Far too many mothers surrender a child because they feel they don't have a choice.  Of course the modern day coercive tactics of adoption agencies don't help.  

It frustrates the heck out of me though the amount of adoptive mothers tell expectant  mothers that they are;
- being mature for knowing they can't give the life their child deserves and adoptive parents can,
- it's the loving option
- slefless
- that mothers who encourage them to parent are being coercive
- that mothers telling them to look at all options are being coercive.

These seem to be the popular lines yet anybody encouraging an expectant mother to surrender without looking at all the options are being coercive.

I decided to google adoption agencies and one of the first on the list was Bethany Christian Service.  The first thing that strike me was this line:


"The birth and adoptive families fully disclose identifying information."

So almost immediately the family is referred to as the birth family.  It saddens me that the natural family is immediately reduced to the one act of giving birth.  Only the mother can give birth and there is more to it than just giving birth.  The mother goes through nine months of pregnancy, bonding, and, nourishing her baby.  Her baby knows her smell, voice and heartbeat.  To refer to any other member of the natural family is plain stupid as they don't give birth.

"After placement, there is direct contact between families by telephone, e-mail, or letter. 
There is face-to-face contact between birth and adoptive families as the child grows up."

Just because it says so on the website doesn't mean the adoptive family will honour an open or semi open adoption.  I have been on enough sites to know that mothers have been conned by the promise of an open adoption (or semi open) just to have the 'door' slammed in their faces.  They don't even know if their children are growing up to know they are adopted.  it is so wrong.

I did click on a couple of the other links including considering adoption.  Instead of an well balanced information page it comes across as virtually a done deal that the expectant mother will definitely surrender.

"Considering adoption

Your choices today for an adoption plan are far greater than they were in the past.  No two adoption plans are the same because no two groups of people involved are the same.  Expectant parents have ideas about what their adoption plan will look like in the future and so do prospective adoptive parents.  The best adoption plans reflect both and allow both time to get to know each other and build a relationship."

If an expectant mother is considering adoption she is hardly going to jump in the deep end by making an adoption plan straight away.  The whole point of considering adoption is to understand the pros and cons of surrendering.  She is hardly in the position to make an informed position to make a plan let alone meet prospective adoptive parents.  Adoption agencies are hardly going to warnan expectant mother of the pitfalls of adoption such as;
- the adopters potentially closing the adoption,
- the adopters potentially not telling the child he or she is adopted.
- they might be abusive.
- they might divorce.
- they may lose their job(s) / home.
- one of the adopters might die.
 
"Counselors help expectant parents arrange adoptions that reflect the amount of contact that each family wants.  Many families will want to have ongoing, face to face contact, having regular visits and/or celebrating special occasions and holidays together.  Others may only want to meet initially and maintain their contact with a little more distance, through pictures, letters, emails and phone calls.  Each plan is unique as is the amount of contact that is planned."

Adoption counselling isn't unbiased.  Adoption agencies are in the business of selling babies for a profit.  The adoption counselling is biased towards adoption being the selfless loving option.  This link http://open.salon.com/blog/jessica_delbalzo/2012/03/31/the_5_most_coercive_aspects_of_modern_adoption for the 5 most coercive aspects of modern adoption ia well worth reading.

Narssism & adoption

Recently I have been accused of misquoting someone on my blog whom I have the misfortune of 'knowing' on Y!A.  I quite happily responded to this person that I had quoted them word for word so if the comments aren't there now this person deleted the comments.  To be quite honest I couldn't be bothered looking as I know I had quoted the person.  I am not bothered this person was negative of this as I have obviously hit a nerve plus I have no problems with being cyber stalked.  Anybody who objects to me being honest of my views on adoption, coercion, infant adoption, wanting to educate people .... well .... that's your problem not mine.  Maybe it is about time you look at yourself and ask why you object to a mother who was coerced into surrendering being negative about infant adoption.  It doesn't take an intelligent person to work out that this is based on my own experience, the way people have treated me, educating myself and listening to other experiences. 

The same person accuses me of being a liar yet has recently decided that yes coercion was still going on until the 1980's.  Well except it doesn't apply to me even though my son was born in 1981 as I'm really a liar.  Yeah .... right ....as if I am going to keep up the 'lies' that I started in 2004.  I hope this person is still reading as it's been over eight years now and I am still telling the truth.  If I was a liar I would have been caught out so many times by now. 

It actually scares the heck out of me that this person is a licensed foster parent as "she" believes that more children should be removed at birth.  There are too many forced adoptions now without people like this wanting to inflame the situation more.  This person is too uneducated to understand that there are some children should never have been removed in the first place.  There are other children who should be removed from their parents yet they are slipping the net.  I have nothing against children being removed from their parents if they are being abused.  I have nothing against social services being involved with families.  This happens and it's great every time there is a success story.  There is nothing wrong with a social worker with parents so they become better parents or that they get the support they need.  Social work isn't just about removing abused children it is also there to help keep families together.  The point is nobody can know if someone will be a bad parent or a good parent until they have children.

Narcissism isn't something I thought about a friend talked about it in reference to her (reunited) son.  It got me thinking about my own son and his behaviour.  Other (online) friends started bringing this up due to me  being at my wit's end with him.  This a good definition of narcissism:

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

What is Narcissism? Narcissism is an unhealthy focus on self that affects others in unhealthy ways. Everyone to some extent is narcissistic. Most people ‘want the good stuff’ and from a psychological point of view: everything we do is for some emotional ‘payoff’ - in order to feel better about ourselves and life.

The definitive quality of healthy narcissism is obtaining self-gratifying results in ways that don’t damage other people, whereas unhealthy narcissism works from the mindset: “I win, and I don’t care if you lose,” or, “Your loss is my win.” Narcissism is self-absorption coupled with destructive behaviour, and is a world-wide epidemic. 

My son has openly admitted to me and other people that he is self obsessed.  I have seen for myself how obsessed he is.  There have been many times that he has accused me off doing and saying things he has said and done.  Even when I have been able to prove that I am in the right he has said that if I am say I'm in the right then fair enough.  He has come across as treating me like a child who needs pacifying instead of admitting that he is in the wrong.  He believes he is in the right all the time.

The anti-adoption are a "culture" and a cult

That's right you've read it here first if you don't go onto Y!A and it's the latest little gem I have found.  Yes you have read that properly and if I didn't find it so funny I would now be venting.  The little gem is on this question http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkoUCB5KP_AXsHMJga_UkmauDH1G;_ylv=3?qid=20130301071714AAq5jfN and the question is:  "genetic mirroring" Is it a meme? If not, science link please?

The questioner got huffy so added this to her answer;  If you had to look up "meme," you probably don't know how to use it or the answer to the actual question. Thanks for trying. Mincing the word to mean what you want is not a scientific source of the claim. Neither is Wiki. 

 

I am not ashamed of admitting to using Google to make sure of my facts even if I resort to looking at wiki.  I wasn't the only one to do that so posted the first paragraph of the definition.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme
A meme (pron.: /ˈmiːm/; meem)[1] is "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture."[2] A meme acts as a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols or practices, which can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals or other imitable phenomena. Supporters of the concept regard memes as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate, mutate and respond to selective pressures.[3]

 

Of course any 'put downs' is enough for me to look for more reliable sources and came up with this one.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/m…
meme
[meem] Show IPA
noun
a cultural item that is transmitted by repetition in a manner analogous to the biological transmission of genes.
Origin:
1976; < Gk mīmeîsthai to imitate, copy; coined by R. Dawkins, Brit. biologist 

 

So far I haven't had any smart Alec comebacks to that one but I was polite in my response.  I did admit to having a giggle at the idea that anti adoption is a cult so couldn't resist adding this to my answer:

 

As you don't understand the definition of cult here is the Oxford Dictionary definition which I believe over you.

 

http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition…
Definition of cult
noun
1a system of religious veneration and devotion directed towards a particular figure or object:the cult of St Olaf
a relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or as imposing excessive control over members:a network of Satan-worshipping cults
a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular thing:the cult of the pursuit of money as an end in itself
2a person or thing that is popular or fashionable among a particular group or section of society:the series has become a bit of a cult in the UK [as modifier]:a cult film    

 

Sometimes I wish I could get into the heads of some people.  I do believe this person is just trying to get a reaction and because she hasn't she has resorted to coming out with stupid comments.  If anti adoption is a cult then I am happy to be part of it.  Nobody has forced me to be anti adoption of infants, nobody has forced me to be anti using coercive tactics to get a mother to surrender.  I came to that decision all by myself without any help.  Being educated by adoptees and finding out that I wasn't alone in being a mother who was coerced has helped me to come to terms with what happened.

 

I know I upset people who are pro adoption no matter what the consequences.  They simply reinforce my determination to be honest about my own experience.  Nobody will shut me up.  If they are offended by me that is their problem not mine.  If they don't want to be educated that's up to them.  If they don't like someone daring to tell others of the dark side of adoption then they should tell me why I am wrong.  Nobody has given me one good reason why I should shut up and disappear into the woodwork.  Being insulted, receiving hate messages and cyber bullying just makes me even more determined.

 

There will always be adopters who are so blinded by how 'wonderful adoption is'  that they don't realize some of their statements don't prove a point.

 

An example is from the above question:

"I have both biological and adopted kids. The kid most like his grandfather --- the adopted son. Mannerisms, speech pattern, tics, likes and dislikes, interests, foibles etc, etc, They are very close and physically one has blue eyes and one has green and one has dark hair and the other light brown. GM is BS."

 

My son's adoptive mother has blonde hair and blue eyes, my son has blond hair and blue eyes, I have blonde hair and blue eyes.  We were separated by adoption for 23 years yet he is more like me than her.  Whenever anybody chatted to us when he lived with us and didn't know he had been adopted guessed he was my son because we are so much alike not just in looks.  We have the same mannerisms, likes and dislikes. It would have been easy to explain that I hadn't raised him and we were in reunion but complete (and random) strangers and people I don't know well don't need to know my life history or my son's   The point is that adopters who come out with statements like the above are too wrapped up in their own lives that that they can't 'see' the reality that their adopted child might be more like their natural parents.

Adopto-Speak Dictionary

I am not taking credit for this so will simply post the link http://snarkurchin.wordpress.com/adopto-speak-dictionary-page-in-progress/ and sums it all up for me.  Obviously the link will need to be copied and pasted into your browser.

I'm doing a good job ....

.... again of infuriating my favourite person on Y!A.  For a while I had a rest from the personal attacks but this person is back with a vengeance with the attacks.


This time it is on this question http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhkJfchg1BuLFa1bBgpOWKghBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20130211152510AAmJdL1

"Edit. Pip. I would have thought you would agree with me on wha Candy Corn thinks of birth mothers. Calling them selfish, l, etc. Now I know your story is just that. A story. I would think you would be highly offended at her thinking of you as selfisg and lazy."

I never actually made a comment about Candy Corn's answer.  My favourite oerson would never be able to get a job as a mind reader as he /she can't read anybody's mind.  Candy Corn didn't ask the question and I can't remember what 'her' answer was as it's been removed.

I don't believe mothers who raise their children are lazy and selfish nor do I think mothers who surrender are selfish and lazy.  Some mothers may be lazy and selfish but it's wrong to think all mothers are like that.

My favourite person  has a vivid imagination who believes anybody who doesn't buy into the whole adoption is perfect package os a liar, a troll or both.

"That tells me you most likely never birthed a child and were forced/coerced into adoption. I really don't care if you report me."

So really I never really went through pregnancy and I have a vivid imagination on how coercion works.  In that case I have imaginary stretch marks, an imaginary birth certificate and imaginary adoption paperwork.  I also con people into people into believing me by showing them the imaginary birth certificate and the imaginary paperwork.  Of course then there are the photographs of my imaginary son and articles about my imaginary reunion.  Oh and not forgetting the imaginary interviews on television and on radio.  My, my I have been a very busy little troll who should be sent back to Troll Land  

"I'm sorry you actually agree with someone that thinks of birthmothers like that. Are you and Candy Corn the same person?"

Of course I am as I have a split personality and really trip myself up by offering different views on mothers who surrender.  Wish I had the time let alone the stupidity to do such a thing. 

"And your bullying tactics, as ineffective as they are, are also quite reportable. Your bullying doesn't work on me, so you may as well stop trying. You have a hell of a lot of growing up to do. Bullying is childish and immature."

If bullying tactics are telling the truth, telling of the dark side of adoption, giving suggestions on to tap into resources is bullying then I will continue to bully.  If bullying is telling of my own experience and telling someone of the potential negative emotions they may feel I will continue to be a bully.   If my bullying is reportable why isn't anybody reporting me?  Why hasn't my account been suspended yet?

"Marnie has bever bullied anyone on gere. But you have. Many times. Bullies deserve to get ignored, blocked, and reported. Especually those who consider birthmothers as selfish and lazy."

Marnie actually violated Y!A TOS by calling people trolls and bullies and had every right to point this out.  MFP is obsessed with thinking I am a bully.  If I agreed with MFP  and didn't mention any negatives to adoption then I would have a new best friend.  I am not going to start lying by saying adoption is the next best thing to sliced bread.

"Why didn't you get offended and threaten to report Candy Corn's question? Hm? Is it because you and she are the same person?"

I wasn't  offended by Candy Corn'Question but nor did I agree with her either.  Again I wish I had more time for leisure but I don't and I would rather be busy doing voluntary work in the community as it is rewarding.  Just getting a thank you off someone makes my day.
 
"You have no problem with anyone callibg ME a troll, but yet you'll back anyone who insults birthmothers to the hilt."

Just because I don't pull up others for calling MFP a troll doesn't mean I think they are right.  I don't pull them up because they have good reasons for thinking MFP is a troll.  MFP claims relatives go on Y!A and who I am to say this is a lie.  There are / were similar accounts on Y!A so it is little wonder that people think MFP is a troll.  I have never backed up anybody who insults mothers who have surrendered.  Why would I when I am a mother who surrendered.

"Hm.  We all know you never birthed a child and never was firced/coerced inti adopting, so you may as well give that story up. If your story was true, you'd be highly offended at being called an abandoner. Or you'd be highly offended at birth mothers being called abandoners."

Why 'my best friend' thinks everybody believes that I haven't had a child is beyond me particularly when she /he is the only person who doesn't believe me.  If I was a liar I would have got bored a long time again nor would have agreed to be in the public eye.  Just because I don't say I am offended at being called an abandoner or mothers being called abandoners doesn't make me a liar.  I don't offence as adoptees have a legitimate reason for thinking their mothers /mothers who have surrendered are abandoners.  I don't have the right to tell them not to just because they are giving an honest thought.  I would rather hear honesty.

"I'm going to say one other thing. You will not bully me into not using the term birth mother. Or even the word mother. You said the word mother is offensive in anotherquestion, yet you call yourself a mother."

I don't try and bully anybody into not using the term birth mother.  I simply say I don't like the term or it's an offensive term for a mother who has surrendered or another comment on that line.  Just because there are people who aren't offended by the term doesn't mean I should be forced to use the term.

"You also only throw temper tantrums when I say birth mother. Not when ANYONE else says it. Your behavior tells everyone your story is a complete lie. Report me all you want. Tattletales don't get taken seriously by YA, anyway."

I must suffer with selective memory as I don't throw temper tantrums just because he / she uses the term.  If I say anything it's usually to state that just because he /she thinks it's an acceptable term doesn't mean everybody has to feel the same way.  Well if my behaviour tells everybody I am a liar it says lot about 'my favourite person'.  Strange how this is the only person who regularly accuses me of being a liar yet claims everybody thinks I'm a liar.


"You know, you claim to be a mother, but out of the two of us, I am the only one offended at birth mothers being called selfish, lazy, abandoners, etc. Interesting. Makes me, and everyone else know that your story is a lie."

As I have never said I'm not offended by mothers being called abandoners doesn't mean I'm not offended or that I am offended.  I just choose not to respect how adoptees feel.  Would still love to know what gives this person the right to call me a liar and speak for everybody else.  


"The reason you get called all that stuff is because people have you all figured out. Since you are SO set on EVERYONE following the rules on here, don't reply to anything I, or anyone else, responds to in questions. To reply to what I, or anyone else says, when someone answers a question, is a violation of tos. As is bullying."

Shame this person doesn't follow their own advice and leave everybody else alone.  Every time I am accused or somebody else is accused of being something we're not then I will stick up for myself and them.  

For what it's worth this is my answer:
@Sammy ~ I am reporting you for calling Candy a troll and will keep on reporting you every time you call people trolls.

@ Marnie ~ No they aren't bullies or trolls, if they are what does that make you? Encouraging mothers to surrendering is far worse especially when the person knows what it's like to surrendering.

Because they don't know the circumstances and they haven't been in that situation. I have been called all sorts of things in my time here. I was coerced into surrendering and yet I have been subjected to things like:

- I am a liar and really chose adoption
- I am bitter
- Angry
- Blame everybody for my mistakes /choices
- The adoption couldn't have happened without my permission / my signature.
- I have even been called a troll / have multiple accounts all because one person hates me that much that she seems to want to discredit me and the truth of what happened to me.

I've had even worse than that and incidently if I had raised my son I could have done that without finnacial help as I had a job. I keep telling people the truth because there is a dark side to adoption and people have a right to be educated on coerced adoption.

@ Sammy ~ if I hadn't already reported you I would have now. You have yet again proved my point that you think I am a troll, having multiple a/cs and being a liar. Fortunately people see you for what you are and just because you believe birth mother isn't offensive doesn't make you right and me wrong. By the way are you male or female because I thought you were female based on some of your answers but others have referred to you as a 'he'.

Avoidance tactics

Despite having been on a downer since Christmas I am getting back into a routine for keeping busy.  It is the only way I can avoid thinking ... dwelling ... about adoption 24/7.  Mondays are usually a quiet day unless we are asked to help out at the church.  Tuesdays and Thursdays we volunteer for the credit union.  Wednesdays we help with cleaning the back hall, office, rooms and kitchen.  Fridays I help with the lunch club and Rick is a 'floater' so generally splits his time between the lunch club and the office.  Saturday is the only day we make sure we keep for ourselves and Sundays we are usually at church twice but if the weather is bad we generally just go in the evening.  Rick is also part of the choir but choir practise doesn't start till February.

This afternoon I was exhausted as we got to the back hall at 9.30 am so we got the chairs and tables out, I cleaned the kitchen sides and started getting out things that I could get to.  Some of the cupboards are locked when the kitchen isn't being used.  Rick spent a couple of hours in the office then went hoe because he wasn't feeling too well.  It was a good morning though and I never thought I would enjoy helping with a lunch club so much.  The people who come along are elderly and do so because they enjoy the company as much as anything.

I needed the distraction.  Yesterday I showed a couple of ladies who volunteer for the community bus and a;so go to church pictures of our pets.  It was easier showing them the pictures on Facebook than going through folders but then I got awkward questions as they spotted one of me and my son.  They don't know he was adopted and I really wasn't in the mood to explain.  It was one of those times that I was glad that he lives at the other end of the country to us.  This was good enough reason to explain why I don't see him and use my favourite line that he only gets in touch when it suits him or he wants something. 

I don't expect to ever hear from him again but I wasn't going to tell them that as it's too painful to talk about.  I wont even talk about it with Rick either.  Knowing that he believes I am not good enough for him is the most hurtful thing he could come out with last year.  Every time I thinks about that it's as if someone is twisting a knife in my stomach and I want to cry.  I wish I knew what I had one to deserve that.  People don't understand the pain that adoption causes.  They believe that mothers like me deserve what we get from our surrendered children.  They don't 'get it' that usually we don't.  Whenever I was in the wrong with my son I would apologise but he would never admit to being in the wrong.  There were a number of times I would be told by good internet friends that they believed he was a narcissist (sp) which included another natural mother who had originally sided with him when we first started falling out.  Her turning point was when he moved in with us and she found out how much he was disrespecting us just on ground rules without realising how bad his behaviour could be.

Despite every thing I still love my son and I just don't like his behaviour.  A number of times I have been told that if I loved him unconditionally then it wouldn't bother me.  I still believe a parent can love a child unconditionally but still get fed up with bad behaviour.  I am only human at the end of the day.  

Sad

I haven't had any incentive to post here since the last post.   The feeling of being 'redundant' has been strong.  I feel worn out, worn down, useless, doubting myself because of comments directed at me.  Someone who has a special place recently made a comment that I wear my heart on a sleeve.  It is true.  Negative remarks about me stay in my head whereas as kind comments are hard to deal with.  It is probably a product of my life and being told how useless I was over the years.  I eventually got brainwashed that I am a useless waste of space who will never amount to anything.  I am 51 years old and what do I have to show for my life?

Mostly me being on a trail of self destruction because I felt that I didn't deserve a good life.   I have a son who hates me, a family that tolerates me and I rub some people up the wrong way.  I am also at the point of why do I bother standing my ground on what happened to me and my son being adopted.  It would be so easy to crumple and say "Okay, I have nobody to blame for my son being adopted except for myself,£ I can't though because it would stick in my throat.