Sunday, 22 July 2012


On a forums I rarely 'visit' thread was started titled feelings of mothers after relinquishing their child.  One of the responses reminded me of the day of my mother's funeral.  I had found it hard to grief for my mother, most of the time I felt numb.  There had been unresolved issues between us mostly to do with my son.  She had never accepted him and I could never understand why she could love her first granddaughter yet so easily reject him just because I was single.  My mother loved all her granddaughters as they came along.  

When my son found my family my mother still couldn't accept him.  He was an adult, there was no mistaking he was my son but something inside my mother still wouldn't switch on.  I cannot understand how a mother can reject a grandchild when she knows what it is like to love her own children.  The rejection was bad enough for her to send him a letter in 2001 telling him to accept I didn't want to be found.  She knew that I wanted to be found  so it was cruel of her to lie.  What else could I have expected though as my family didn't tell him where I was.  The lame excuse was that they didn't know where I was but my sister had told my husband about my son.

On the day of the funeral I was okay until the service ended and we were going outside.  I got to the vicar then I absolutely howled.  Naturally he thought I was crying because it was my mother's funeral.  It went beyond that.  I was crying because she never once said sorry for what she put me through to make sure my son was adopted.  There was also the verbal abuse I suffered at her hands that I was never good enough.  I was always the black sheep of the family.  Nothing I could do would ever change her mind.  I was also crying because my mother had had the attitude that I was nothing to my son.  In her eyes his only mother was his adoptive mother.

Since then I have not been able to cry for my mother.  There was too much damage done and nothing could put it right because my mother refused to accept that she had been wrong.  It is such a profound feeling of pain being separated from a child and it can't be truly explained.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Y!A first - my giggle for the day.

I am wondering if this a first for Y!A for some one to have a dig at me in their question BEFORE I even answer it @;_ylt=Apqrsb6guh3QjtIgHw8nN4IgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120718104051AA97sAy .  I wasn't going to answer it and was simply having a look.  It actually made me laugh and just makes the person look stupid.  Personally I think this person is a troll and answered simply because she made me laugh.

This evening I went on the After Adoption forum for the first time in ages.   One of the reasons I don't go on there much is that the terms used for natural families really irritate the heck out of me.  For example the favourite one BM for birth mother then people wonder why some get so offended by it.  The members also go through periods of being nasty when attacking some one.  Nobody is going to agree all time but a little bit of respect goes a long way.  Apart from maybe one or two people nobody I used to get on with posts there any more any way.

I noticed the link for the Daily Mail was posted there and had a few responses.  These were very much 'middle of the road' comments which surprised me.  I responded with the background of the story and why I wont contact Anthony.  It gets back to his last malicious email to me threatening to take legal action if I did.  I only sent the one direct email to him letting him know my mum had died.  For weeks after I was terrified he would take out legal action.  I also worry that if I did have direct contact with him for a while that he would retaliate in a bad way if we then fell out again.  It's one of those cycles I really don't want to get into.

The reality is this hurts more than anything else that life chucks at me.  When depression gets that bad I have support in place.  Whenever I've had an accident and physically hurt myself the pain has gone away after a period of time.  The pain I feel for not being able to have a relationship with my only child is literally gut wrenching.  I feel as if my lungs are being squeezed tight as well to the point it hurts.  This makes me sound completely crazy but it is my life, my feelings.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Touched By Adoption

Touched By Adoption

So many lives,
So many hearts,
So many tears,
So many smiles.

One mother cries,
One mother smiles,
One mother’s guilt,
One mother’s joy.

A child lost,
A child gained,
A child missed,
A child loved.

So many emotions,
So many pains,
So many regrets,
So many disappointments.

One day the pain may go,
One day there may be joy,
One day there may be answers,
One day who knows what happens.




Does the ache inside ever get easier?
Does the ache ever go away?
My life just seems to get messier,
To God I constantly pray.

The ache is still so fresh,
My thoughts have just changed,
Once I thought I was blessed,
Made to feel so ashamed.

My baby son I wasn't to have,
A sweet innocent little child,
My ache was new my life a farce,
No wonder I went a bit wild.

The years flew by and I hid my ache,
Smiling on the outside hurting inside,
Getting married wanting my life to shape,
No more babies for me I cried.

We are growing old and happy together,
Accepting that children aren't in our lives,
Would having children made our lives better,
We don't know but are happy to be alive.

My son and I are reunited together,
But the ache is still there for me to feel,
I love him even more than ever,
My ache will always be there to feel.


Tuesday, 10 July 2012

My Love For You

My Love For You

My love for you is so very deep,
You'll never know how I do,
The times I have wanted to leap,
And hug you so tightly right through.

My love for you started before you were born,
Growing inside of me I loved you so much,
Knowing one day I may have my love torn,
Not knowing that my misfortune would turn to luck.

My love for you hasn't diminished just grown,
You have always been part of my heart,
How was I to know how life would be thrown,
Never thinking that in my life you would play a part.

My love for you is as deep as it can get,
You will always be part of my life forever,
Will you ever realize how much this has set,
Within my heart for you and for all eternity.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

So Many Times ....

So Many Times ....

So many times I want to tell you I love you,
The times I wanted to hug and kiss you,
The pain is so deep inside me aching,
But my head tells me to be happy.

So many times I have hated myself,
Wanting to shout and cry out loud,
Wishing I could turn back the clock,
Wondering how I let this happen.

So many times I have dreamed about you,
Hoping that you are happy to be alive,
Then knowing about your life and family,
Still trying to find that inner peace for me.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

For My Son

For My Son

A tiny boy born on a summer's day,
Too young to know the sun's bright ray,
Too young to know his first mother's love,
Too young to know his second mother's need.

The years go flying by to fast,
He's growing into a fine young man,
Loving his mother and his family,
Wondering about his first mother.

One day he is old enough to search,
In his heart he needs to know her,
The truth he needs to know now,
Of why she let him go his other mother.

Five years later his mother finds him,
His questions he can now ask her,
To get to know his roots at last,
From his first mother who loves him.
Philippa Hope-Hornsey

Friday, 6 July 2012

The Media

It appears that I am damned if I go 'public' with my story and damned if I don't speak out.

Back in 2009 three articles were written and I got good feed back as they were 'feel good' articles about adoption and reunion.  These were followed through with interviews on This Morning (ITV), BBC South East News and BBC Radio Kent.

Recently the journalist did another article for the Daily Mail - - as a catch up.  This time it was about reunion failing so I expected negative feed back.  I am used to being attacked for being selfish, for making excuses and blaming others for my choices.  This is something I have had to deal with for eight years now.  It used to upset me but now it's like water of a duck's back as these people don't know or understand what I have been through.  It is beyond their comprehension that coerced / forced adoption happens today let alone back in the 1980's.  I would probably feel the same if I hadn't been through it.  After all why why social workers / adoption agencies lie to mothers?  The answer is quite simple the number of babies being surrendered has dropped dramatically in the UK since the 1970's when single mothers started to get  more support.

Only one person has managed to get my back up and that person should know me better as she does know my story.  The problem is that legally the journalist had to be careful what she wrote and how she worded the article.  She does know the full story from my point of view and she knows a bit from my son's point but she hasn't spoken to his adoptive parents.  It also goes further than that from a moral point of view that it wouldn't have been fair to tell it as it was as to how bad it was my son living with us.  There were faults on all sides.  I acknowledge that.  I apologised to my son time and time again.  He was 'never in the wrong', he was 'blameless' yet from my point of view I see a damaged man who is coming up for 31 years.  My son deserves respect for what he has been through nor is it his fault he was adopted.  He has no right, however, to continually blame other people for his behaviour.  He is an adult now.  We tried to help.  We excused his behaviour until I couldn't take any more and exploded.  We did the family counselling and got him counselling.  The problem is while my son is in denial we can't have a relationship because I'm the bad guy and I'm not good enough for him.  He knows I couldn't take any more due to exploding in the middle of the family counselling session and I came out with a few home truths.  It was the first time I ever saw him have nothing to say about his behaviour.  Normally he would turn it back on me and blame me.  It was always my fault.

The person who upset me is questioning my motives and in a negative way.  She is wrong.  I am NOT trying to put off people off searching.  I never said that nor was that printed in the article.  It is simply about a failed reunion and this does happen.  I have got to know people over the years who have had good reunions, bad reunions and others somewhere in between.  I am NOT trying to damage what others have done before me and will continue to do in the future.  It is simply one person's experience of reunion.  I DO support adoption reform.  I DO support everybody who wants the full truth of B.S.E. to be known, of coerced / forced adoptions being public knowledge.  After all I DO know what it is like.  I have had to live with it for almost 31 years.  Adopted adults and formerly fostered adults are entitled to be treated the same as non adopted people.  It is a sad day that I have to defend myself to the very people that know I have an understanding of what they have been through.  I have lived with it and have learned so much from people who were adopted / fostered.  I am NOT the bad guy here.  

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

The Bump

No I am not cracking up ... yet ... nor I am referring to a popular dance from my mis-spent youth.  Out of need to have a break from working on our websites I decided to get light relief on Y!A.  There was one of the usual 'preying for expectant mothers considering adoption' questions.  Usual stuff of of TTC and wanting to be a mother sooner rather later.  One of the members gave this link and recommended it as a good place to go.  It wasn't so much her answer that bothered me as she did add that it would be easier to adopt an older or even younger child than a baby.  What got my hackles up are some of the posts on it as some of the attitudes are exactly the type that give the adoptive parents and potential adopters a bad name.  What makes it worse is that they really do seem to believe there is nothing wrong with what they are coming out with.

This for starters and am only quoting the last bit as my jaw dropped.

"Of course, we're already praying we don't get the crazy judge (look, I know he's wanting to look out for the kids, but every 6 months UNTIL THEY'RE 18?!? 3 trips back to Uganda, probably before our child is really old enough for that to be really meaningful?)."

A cringeworthy award for this pic on this thread

Vomit bucket for this one and 'wonderful' quote from it:

"Even though our baby isn't here yet I've been thinking about writing him a letter for a long time.  Just to tell him what's going on right now, about our meetings with his birthparents and how excited we are for him to get here. "


"Do you/will you write letters to your child before or after they are placed with you?  Did you/will you take any pictures before the child is actually here? "

Don't you just love the sense of entitlement of a parent's child before the child is born let alone before they can sign away their rights.

This is the last of my favourite 'pass the vomit bucket' moments for the night as I'm tired with regards to 'our BM' .... yes you have read it right 'our BM' aka bowel movement aka possession:

" We just received from our lawyer today our BM's sonogram pictures that she wanted us to have.  What a sweet gesture.  We have made plans to meet her two weeks from today and I am so looking forward to meeting this person who has been working on an adoption plan for her child and wants DH and me to be the parents."