Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Am I such a threat to (potential) adopters?

No matter how fed up I get with Y!A I haven't quite been able to wean myself off it yet.  I'm a bit more selective what questions I do answer.  It doesn't stop the idiotic attacks I occasionally get.  The following is a private message I received from someone who then blocked me.  I couldn't respond back to this so edited my answer on the question;_ylt=At1h3L9_Hsq2TTk9ytXjiK8hBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120827045917AAmXdgo .

"No one made you do anything. You were 19 and made that choice yourself. Please quit telling people who feel they can't raise a child to raise it. You and your son have issues that don't stem from adoption. I keep telling you that even kids raised by bio parents have mental illness.Most adoptions turn out to be the best thing for a child. Your son sounds schizophrenic. Not caused by adoption. You may want to get checked yourself.

It pisses me off to no end that people like you make all adopters sound wicked and evil. We are going to adopt thru foster care. Please quit telling people that people like me are wicked, all because YOU made the choice all by yourself to surrender your child. No one made you do it." 

This is the edit the person put to their answer to the question:

"Edit. Pip. He could have turned out the same way had you raised him. Mental illness and such don't occur because of adoption. He sounds schizophrenic. See if he can get evaluated. My husband's younger brother and sister are on drugs. One is mentally ill. All siblings were raised by bio parents. I have told you this a few times already. And stop blaming everyone else. You were an adult. You had a job. You were capable of raising a child. You signed those papers of your own free will. You could have put your foot down and said no to adoption. But you didn't. I don't care who lied, coerced, bullied, etc. You signed the papers. Perhaps you need a mental health evaluation."

I sometimes wonder why these people assume they know what really happened when my son was adopted.  I lived it, I know what happened so how the heck can anybody tell me that nobody forced me to do anything?

No there wasn't any physical force but I was still bullied, lied to, even suffered emotional abuse.  I did have a choice which was to parent.  I believed the lies as it was my parents who were lying as they hadn't lied before so I had no reason to believe they were then.  The case worker should have been truthful but she also lied.  How was I supposed to know she lied when I didn't know my rights which she with held from me?

I constantly said no to my son being adopted and I certainly didn't sign the Consent to Relinquish form of my own free will.  I know for a fact I didn't as it had to be signed in front of a magistrate and I never saw a magistrate.  I would willingly prove I didn't sign the form if I could get a copy of it.  

I will not stop pointing out all options to expectant mothers considering their options.  It's not my problem if some people are so obsessed with adoption / adopting that they can't see beyond their needs out.  If an expectant mother reaches out for support because she's not sure if adoption is best then I will point out the negatives.  I can't tell anybody what to do but I can point out the pros and cons of the options available.  If people want to twist this to me telling an expectant mother to raise her child that is their problem.

I know my depression didn't start because of depression.  The root cause is the emotional abuse that started when I was 12 or 13 years old.  Being coerced into surrendering made my depression worse.  I should have talked instead of bottling everything up because I was expected to forget my life and forget about my son.  My son has major issues with adoption, he is in denial that his issues have an impact on him, he suffers with depression.  He could have suffered with depression even if I had raised him.  Nobody knows and they certainly don't right to tell me that our issues don't stem from adoption.  This is sheer ignorance and complete denial that adoption can cause depression.  What can I expect from someone so obsessed with adoption being good that they are blinded to the negatives?  

It also infuriates me that anybody can be patronising enough to suggest getting my son evaluated.  I find it equally patronising with the suggestion that maybe I should get evaluated as well. What gives them the right to assume that neither his adoptive parents nor I have tried?  Do people really believe I haven't been to see a doctor to be assessed?

I know I suffer with depression.  Doctors have told me I suffer with depression.  I have been on anti depressants on and off over the years. 

My son's adoptive parents paid for him to see someone but he only went a couple of times.  We got the mental health team involved when my son lived with us as we were at our wits end with his behaviour.  At first we thought the sessions were helping and we even had family sessions although he didn't want his adoptive parents there.  I don't think it would have made much difference.  Eventually we knew my son wasn't being completely honest so on the last family session I told him a home truths.  I still believe he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear instead of being completely honest.  It is beyond me though how someone can conclude that another person could be schizophrenic without knowing that person.

This person has never told me that even children raised by their parents can suffer with mental illness.  It's  an idiotic thing to say to me as my depression stems from emotional abuse and I am not adopted.  I know a number of non adopted people who suffer with depression.    

Most adoptions being the best for the child is open to debate.  I completely agree that abused children should be removed from their parents but there are other alternatives to adoption.  Legal / special guardianship works and children can be with family members.

I have never, ever said or written that all adopters sound wicked or evil.  Many are decent people regardless of their reasons for adopting.  I respect the ones who educate themselves and admit that they were naive about adoption and it's effect on mothers and adoptees.  I respect them for backing adoptee and mothers rights.  I certainly don't hold anything against my dad's cousin and his wife who adopted internationally in the 1960's.  Attitudes were different nor did people understand then the effect adoption has on children let alone those adopted internationally.  I had a school friend who was adopted who is well adjusted and loves her adoptive parents who helped her find her mother.  I have got to know other adoptive parents whom I have learned so much from.  All I ever do is sometimes question the motives of potentially adopters as they come across as needy, entitled and having no consideration of the child's needs.

I have come to the conclusion that I scare some adopters and potential adopters because I refuse to stop telling the truth.  I refuse to let them bully me and I will never give into these ignorant people. 

Saturday, 25 August 2012



Who am I to the world?
Not a mother I am told,
Just an ordinary woman,
What am I, if not a mother?

No child for me to raise,
For me no one to praise,
A wife is all I am now,
What am I, if not a mother?

The ache in my heart,
My world blown apart,
Emptiness filling my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Loneliness that I can't express well,
A void not filled for me to dwell,
Sadness always part of my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Time to move forward firm,
To a happier future I turn,
Nothing I can change in my past,
My truth is I am a mother.

I do not know what my future holds,
Only that my past must fold,
I now know who my son is,
My truth is that I am a mother.



Reunion was something I never expected,
A dream I couldn't allow myself,
If it happened then be deeply regretted,
A dream to be put on a high shelf.

Enduring the years with regret in my heart,
Wishing I had support and been stronger,
That I could relive that time with me son a part,
Knowing that I could only ever ponder.

Unhappiness deep in my soul, my very being,
A happy face for the world to see,
A pain deep inside like a tide never receding,
Never showing the complete and real me.

Nobody to talk to who would understand,
My silence was my invisible wall,
Until the day I found my son, a shock for me,
Wanting to be brave, not wanting to fall.

I wasn't prepared for what was to follow,
Pain, joy, sadness, love, so many emotions,
Nothing could replace the years of sorrow,
Or prepare me for our future conversations.

Our reunion hasn't been so perfect,
Words that have been spoken,
That cannot be taken back then perfected,
Wanting the time over again.

Nobody knows the damage done to two souls,
Until it is too late for mother and child,
One old enough to remember, taking a toll,
The other too young, oh child of mine.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a precious time,
A day to honour your mother,
And a day for hope for the future,
Of love always being shared.

What about the forgotten mothers?
The ones who have no child,
Lost yet never forgotten ever,
Not to be remembered by their child.

A mother yet not a mother,
Society sees to this for them,
Hearts aching to be acknowledged,
Silently hoping and praying.

Hearts yearning for their lost child,
The hole never being filled,
Pain burying deep down inside,
Sorrow hidden by a well worn mask.

Dreams of being acknowledged one day,
Hope flickering like a candle brightly,
Of the door being flung open,
For all mothers to be rejoiced.

A mother's love is forever eternal,
Like a flame burning brightly and strong,
No wind strong enough to blow it out,
Shining strongly like a beacon in heaven.

Pain In My Heart

Pain In My Heart

Words that shouldn't have been said,
Anger taking over from common sense,
Emotions taking over instead of being shared,
So a wall is put up, if not a fence.

Fear takes over instead of our common sense,
Not wanting any one to get too close,
Pain, fear, friendship and happiness untold,
Trust never found for fear of betrayal.

My pain has been with me for so long,
I wanted to let go but my son couldn't,
His anger and mistrust taking over completely,
He needed space yet I couldn't take anymore.

Now I am dealing with my pain with good help,
My son not dealing with his, weighing me down,
I have to deal with mine without him in my life,
Sadness is overwhelming but what can I do?

My son has to deal with his anger and pain,
I want to help him yet he wont let me,
I have to let go for my own sanity,
Life goes on the best way I know how



Once a young woman without a care,
Working by day and at night having fun,
Plenty of friends to share my life with,
Then came a boyfriend to steal my heart.

Life was too short to worry about tomorrow,
I was happy and falling in love with my man,
Having fun and going out such good times,
We got engaged little did I know he'd change.

I was so happy I didn't see him change,
Slowly the possessiveness and jealousy set in,
Still loved him though and carried on,
I was like a trapped bird wanting to fly.

I wanted to please him so settled down,
Until one day I wanted to see my friends,
My man I wanted but wanted my life too,
We compromised and I thought we'd get closer.

One day it got so bad that we split,
I was broken hearted but knew it was best,
Little did I know how bad the future would get,
How so much time would be wasted for me.

Not much time later I knew I was pregnant,
No baby for me to keep my parents decided,
My baby was born no support given to me,
One tiny life that needed his first mother.

I battled the decision but lies won he went,
My heart was broken for the child I wanted,
Never mentioned as if he had never existed,
My life was to go on like nothing happened.

The years went by I went a bit wild,
Living my life as if without a care,
Inside I was in turmoil outside happy,
The pain never went but life carried on.

Men came into my life but I couldn't trust,
I became hard on the outside not needing a soul,
Inside I was a sad young woman crying,
Until the day I tried to trust another young man.

We got married the years haven't been easy,
I just wanted to be loved and to be needed,
Has it been worth it I wondered often,
I haven't been alone and have been needed.

Last year I found my boy to my shock,
Scared but needed to know he was okay,
To discover he had already found my family,
Why couldn't they be honest with us both.

I love my son very much no matter what,
He is part of my life like my husband,
My future I need to plan with care,
How better can my life be with my two men.



Relinquishment, the hardest thing to do for any woman,
Her baby lost to adoption, never to be hers again,
Sadness, pain, torn to pieces, two lives that need repairing,
The future is bleak for the mother who's lost her child.

Enduring onwards, the pain to be beaten down,
Despair and heartache always there, hidden by a smile,
Pretending the world is rosy and moving forever on,
The hard exterior hiding so many cracks beneath.

Undying love for the lost child keeps her going on,
The years go by and the memory never, ever fades,
Work occupies her mind during the day, partying at night,
Life has to go on , the act never broken as she is strong.

Nothing really changes inside with birthdays as a reminder,
Men come and go in her life as she will not commit,
Too frightened to get close, too frightened to be pregnant,
Fears of pressure and lies that cannot be fought again.

Intense pain eventually buried so deep inside her soul,
Needing to be loved before she is too old for love,
A young man, younger then her, determined to win her,
She accepts his love, frightened to end her life alone.

Trust in another begins to grow though not completely,
She needs another despite being guarded and keeps control,
They marry and travel through their life together cautiously,
The years go by with her still hurting but not alone.

Eventually her dream comes true for closure at last,
To find her son simply by chance, not prepared,
Her heart acts then her head takes over in complete fear,
The fear dispels, the response from her son positive.

Dreams do come true for those good of heart and faith,
Today I couldn't be happier even if I tried any harder,
My Lord took me on a journey I couldn't begin to understand,
Yet now I do knowing my precious son is alive.

The First Meeting

The First Meeting

I had only seen my son one time,
As a newborn held in arms of mine,
So perfect and small, so precious,
My son I would love but not to see.

Twenty three years later I find him,
My shock over shadowed by my love for him,
Love that had been within my very soul,
Finding him has made my existence whole again.

Overwhelmed I was with all of this,
Wanting to know so much was my wish,
Fear of rejection was in my thoughts,
Learning to talk and all that it brought.

One day I suggested we meet if he wanted,
My son agreed, my wish was granted,
The deep yearning to see how he looked,
My feelings so complex I couldnt talk.

So many feelings resurfacing from deep inside,
The hurt and the pain, of tears I had cried,
Of not parenting my son, not seeing him grow,
Missing so much of of his life, I was low.

I was scared but needing to see him,
My love for him was great and never dim,
The day came quickly and I was glad,
Never again would I have to feel so sad.

My son was an hour late to our meeting place,
My thoughts of lost years not to be replaced,
The start of new memories of times to come,
Waiting there in an early day of autumn.

He walked straight past me into the pub,
I waited a few moments then into the noisy pub,
Then I sat by him, scared to talk to him,
Amazed that there was no mistaking my kin.

We talked and I gave him a copied marriage certificate,
He gave me photographs, was this my fate?
To meet then no more contact for us,
One of the photographs of him as a baby, why did I fuss.

The tears dried quickly as we shared a hug,
I didn't want to let go, it was like a drug,
The afternoon and evening went far to quick,
I made the most of it being strong as a brick.

The day couldn't have been better,
Except for my husband being at the end of his tether,
We sorted this out, our love strong,
With my son the much needed bond.

What more could I ask for of my men,
I love them both in different ways then,
A day to remember always, never forgotten,
A sense of peace that is my own haven.

First Mother

First Mother

I am a mother yet I am not acknowledged,
No more children for me yet I have one,
To the world I am married yet childless,
My son loves me yet I have none.

My heart aches for what I have lost,
Yet my heart is happy for what I have gained,
I may not have a child in my life,
Yet who knows I may gain grandchildren.

My son is so special to me,
He has yet to trust another,
His love is yet to grow for him towards me,
All I want to be is a second mother.

We have much in common through our genes,
I want to hug him so many times,
We are as one family he knows what it means,
What more could I want life is so fine.

Monday, 13 August 2012

Self indulgence

We have had our friends youngest son over since Thursday and he has been comical at times.  'Little man' as we affectionately call him is three years old, is still in nappies and he is 'behind' in his speech. His parents have been told he could be autistic.

Over the past couple of days I have been getting him on the toilet every 3 - 4 hours which seems to be doing the trick.  'Little man' wakes up with a wet nappy and doesn't do anything when I get him on the toilet first thing.  That doesn't bother me as he stays dry for the rest of the day.  It's become a bit of a game as he knows he gets a hug and a treat for using the toilet.

Each afternoon 'little man' has become extremely happy and funny which has lasted until he has fallen asleep.  We have found the trick to get him to sleep when we want him to sleep is for me to cuddle him.  It has been a little bit of self indulgence on my part as I never got to do this as my son was adopted and not having any more children.  I have enjoyed him snuggling in and cuddling me until he is asleep.  This evening 'little man' was even happier than usual so did every thing he could think off to stay awake including pinching himself.  He decided he was going to play with me and was shrieking with laughter as I gave into him.  If I stopped 'little man' would shout 'Pip' until I started playing with him again.  Eventually tiredness got the better of him and he did start yawning and calmed down.  I had to put him down though as he was fighting the tiredness.  Within about 15 minutes 'little man' gave in and was sound asleep.

It's at times like this that the ache of not raising my son hits me hard. 'Little man' has blue eyes the same as my son does which leaves me feeling a bit choked up at times like this. He has brown hair though whereas my son has blonde hair.  I wonder, when I play with him, what it would have been like raising my son.  What he was like at the same age?

In the past I found it hard to interact with friends sons.  It was too painful.  Maybe having been reunited has helped me to work through that.  My friends sons love spending time with us as we take them over the park and to the local locomotion museum.  The other two have bright ginger hair and aged 5 and 9 so very independent.  Of course these days I have to deal with the pain and sadness of knowing I will never know my grandson.  My son has made his feelings quite clear.  This is what adoption does, for us it has destroyed our lives and my son is allowing the cycle affect his son's life by not including one grandmother.

When will it stop? 

Friday, 3 August 2012

Happy Birthday Anthony

Another birthday has arrived and today you are 31 years old.  As always I am thinking off you and hoping you are having a good time.  Give your son a hug every day as this time with him is precious.  Before you know he will be a grown man himself.  The years go by too quickly.  I will always love you more than you realize. 

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Capturing those special moments.

We have our friends youngest son over for a few days.  When he is on his own he is a little sweetheart and much easier to deal with when he is told off.  The little angel is three years old, he is 'behind' with his speech and is still in nappies (diapers ;) ).

This afternoon and this evening 'little man' as we affectionately call him has been very happy.  Hubby was sleeping for a few hours as he hasn't been sleeping well lately.  'Little man' spent quite a bit of time on my lap chattering away in his way pointing at different things trying to pronounce the words for different things.  It made me smile and I was saying the words then he would attempt to repeat back.  Today 'little man' said one of our dogs names for the first which made me laugh as he said it so clearly.

This evening 'little man' snuggled right into me but refused to give into the tiredness.  If I tried moving slightly to get more comfortable he would fling his arms round me.  It was an effort not to cry as I missed out on all this with Anthony.  It's the first time in years that my emotions overwhelmed me.  I was glad I had a good excuse to cuddle him.  'Little man' loves his cuddles as he has to fight for attention at home.  His brothers interfere when he has 'mum' time.  For me, tonight, it has been a stark reminder of what I have missed out on not raising Anthony.