Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Gut wrenching feeling of pain

At times it almost feels like reunion was just a dram with parts being good and much being painful.  The feeling of pain is profound and not easily explained.  Most of the time it's like a dull ache.  At times I regret finding my son as reunion was often difficult and filled with anger on his part.  I know I made mistakes and have apologised for them.  He rarely admitted to being in the wrong and when he did it was as if he was just doing this to make me feel better.  All I ever wanted from my son was honesty but instead I was constantly lied too and had accusations chucked at me.

The positive is that I know my son is alive and well.  I also have some good memories as do have so much in common.  I will always love my son unconditionally.  This is something that mothers will understand.  Love is instintive and a natural emotion.  Mybe this is why I feel so much pain because of reunion.  Nothing I did was ever good enough yet whatever my son chucked at me the love for him has never lessened.  It just makes me feel sad now.

I will always feel like a non mother because the world, in general, doesn't accept me as a mother.  I know I am a mother but I don't have the same privilege as mothers  who have raised children of just being accepted as a mother.  I will always be labelled.  No doubt there will be people who will judge me for occasionally wishing reunion hadn't happened.  They will never understand the pain as well as the joy that it brings     Or the rush of buied emotions that come to the surface.  The hope that it help ease depression didn't happen either.  It made it worse as I have sseen the damage that adoption has done to my son.  We were both victims of adoption.  Now all I can do is survive the best way I can.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

I hate being depressed

The rumours have continued and it is completely stressing me out.  We know where the rumours are starting from .... this person doesn't know when to keep their mouth shut or how potentially damaging the rumours are.  I know that the people telling us don't take these seriously but it doesn't stop my anxiety getting worse.  It's caused my rash to appear again on my arms and face again.  Fortunately I have plenty of cream left to deal with this.

I can't move on from being depressed nor can I deal with trying to make an appointment.  The surgery has a triage system which I don't have the patience for.  The last time I tried to make an appointment I got the usual call back and was asked if I felt I really needed an appointment.  This was after me saying I needed to see a doctor due to being depressed and being in pain with my ankle/  I am still suffering from breaking my ankle and physiotherapy didn't help either.  I responded not to bother with an appointment and I would suffer in silence.  She did start saying something about an appointment but I hung up as I was so frustrated.  My mood has steadily gone downhill ever since....