My wishes for 2013

- that expectant mothers aren't given coercive advice from adoption agencies. 
- that expectant mothers are given counselling it's non biased and adoption isn't mentioned.
- that expectant mothers are encouraged to parent by family and friends.
- that mothers who were coerced into surrendering are believed / not accused of lying
- that people accept that mothers do regret decisions without insulting them and telling them they deserve what they get.

I could go on and I may do in later posts but fir now I am keeping it simply.  I am also suffering being told that I should shut up about the dark side of adoption.  For far too long people have tried to beat me down over telling my story as it doesn't 'help adoption'.  I continually get told I am unhelpful, that I am rigid in my thoughts, I am a troll with multiple accounts on Yahoo, I am anti adoption, a liar and so on. My response is that it's good that I am upsetting people's view that adoption is wonderful.   I live in the real world and I talk about my experiences.  I have been educated by all sorts of people including adoptive parents.  I am also a mother who was coerced, I have seen the damage adoption has done to my son, I have family members who have adopted internationally, cousins who are the internationally cousins, I have friends whom I love even though they don't realize that have adopted, foster carers, adoptees and formerly fostered adults.  I haven't met a number of them and live in hope that I do

It's that time of year again....

This time of year is one of those times of year I feel sad and have severe depression chucked in for good measure.

I used to love Christmas as it was the one time of the year it was good being with family.  After my son was adopted I hated it.  I was 20 years old the first Christmas and it was difficult to say the least.  I can't put it into words how painful it was particularly as my eldest niece was a baby.  It was impossible not to think about my son.  I wished I could be with him, to give him presents and giving him hugs for his first Christmas.  Every year after that I would be imagining what he would be getting and if he was happy.

Reunion change that as I knew what he was doing for Christmas.  The first two he was in Canada but
I knew he was alive and well.  The third Christmas into reunion he was living with us which made it very special.  He spent the Christmases of 2006, 2007 and 2008 with us.  I couldn't have asked for more.

2009 my son moved out, we fell out and it's all my fault in his eyes.  It doesn't matter that he has deep rooted issues that he is in denial.  It is easier to blame me for what's wrong in his life.  I know I made mistakes but I also know I made my son welcome, cooked meals for him, washed his clothes, sorted out his problems when I could, took abuse, rudeness put up with the nastiness all because I love him.  I know my son didn't like me standing up for myself or insisting on ground rules but he had to know I wasn;t going to be a complete walkover.  Finally telling home truths took a weight off my shoulders.

It still hurts.  I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was by my parents just to make sure he was adopted.  I didn't deserve my mum's cruelty post reunion telling me she couldn't understand why my son wanted to know me when I was nothing and his adoptive family was his only family.  I don't deserve his nastiness aimed at me in blaming me for what's wrong in his life.

Bored, bored, bored .....

.... of getting messages from people who don't believe I was coerced into surrendering my son.

"I find it interesting that you feel the right to bash adoption in general and discount the millions of happy adoption stories because of your own guilt and hangups. If a woman chooses to give up her child, it's her fault if she regrets it later. Can you explain to me how you were "coerced" into giving up your son?"

Classic example that it's easier to live in blissful ignorance and that adoption is wunnerful farting unicorns.  As usual I really have hang ups and feel guilty so feel I have a right to bash adoption in general.  After all what right do I have?  What experience do I have?

According to happy adoptoland I wanted to surrender my son as I wanted him to have two parents.  Of course my dear beloved mother would have loved to have helped me but she was too ill to help.  

Yeah! Right!

According to reality I was bullied and lied into surrendering.  My mother was a liar as she didn't want to help me and amazingly she was fit enough to look after my niece who is two years older than my son.

I have every right to bash adoption in general as I have lived with it on a personal level for 31 years.  I also have cousins who were adopted, their adoptive father is my dad's 1st cousin.  I have friends that were adopted and I have got to know other adoptive parents.

This person got a message back telling her I wasn't going to waste my time educating someone who obviously doesn't want to be educated. I had to send another message because of the limit on words with a link to my story I wrote sometime a go with an update but asked the person not to bother responding unless she was prepared to be educated.

The message was in regard to her question at  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvOUIncLl8jQdVnToSl8n4Lty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20121119143711AAPbv0i with the title Why is it so "selfish" for a beautiful woman to want to ruin her body?

The title of the question says it all and I'm supposed to be the one with problems!!!!! *Mumbling under my breath that I would rather be me than a vain woman who wants to adopt because she doesn't want to "ruin" her body*

After responding I then got two lots of comments aimed at me the first being this:
"Pip, there are plenty of women all over the world (not just the U.S.) who don't want to/can't take care of their children. What's selfish about adopting a little girl from Korea or Sudan who would otherwise have a horrible life? Can you explain that to me please? Do you know how lucky women are to be born in the United States? If you were a slave in a rice patty or a brothel for your whole life you would be wishing someone had adopted you."

My being me stuck up for myself and pointed that I'm not American nor am I stupid.  I pointed out that I have three cousins who were adopted from third world countries.  If they hadn't been adopted they would have been raised by extended family.  I also pointed out there are other ways of helping children without actually adopting them.  As a side note I forgot to mention in my response that if she is so concerned about these children why isn't she doing something to change their lives.

The second was:
" Whatever Pip, your issues are not my problem. 2 of my close girlfriends are adopted and I've known many other adopted people, they and their parents are all very happy. You were "coerced" into giving up your son? If you really loved him you would have died before you let anyone take him from you.  Sounds like you aren't fit to be a mother anyway. Don't knock adoption in general because of your own guilt and hangups. I'm not talking about forcibly taking anyone's kid for gods sake. If a woman chooses to give up her child then that's her fault if she regrets it later."

So yet again somebody thinks they know it all just because they know adopted people.  Just because she knows these people doesn't make her an expert the same as it doesn't make me an expert either.  The huge difference between me and her is that I do know what it is like to be coerced into surrendering.  I do know some of the tactics as they were used on me.  I also believe other mothers because I know what happened to me.  This ignorant little madam hasn't got a clue and because she doesn't her mind is closed to the real truth.  Nothing I tell her will change her mind and I doubt she will read the links I supplied or read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.  I did point out Ann Fessler is an adoptee who has found her mother.  

This comment was well and truly below the belt "Sounds like you aren't fit to be a mother anyway." but sadly didn't surprise me.  What point is there for me telling her exactly what happened to me as I don't  think she will believe that my son's adoption was illegal morally and in legal terms.  His father didn't sign away his rights for a start without anything else that was done to make sure the adoption went through therefore illegal.

So another vent over and done with!!!!!

Forever the bad guy...!

Yes, that's right I am the bad guy yet again on Y!A, may favourite place to see insults flying about, rudeness and offensive comments being made.  The latest thing to set me of into a major vent is to do with a question I asked http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuOIk5uF1yr8QXGS4PKLgvwgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20121026033018AAMuCkG

What 'kicked it off' this time was me responding to somebody about another person's answer.  The answer that started it was:

"It's a tabloid. 99% bs. How anyone can believe them is beyond me. Same goes for biased websites. Now give me an honest newspaper and an unbiased website, and I'll read all tge stuff for and against adoptions."

The article I linked to my question came from the Daily Mail which just so happened to be the first online paper  I read that morning.  The person who picked up on the answer pointed out that the article was also in The Telegraph which is a reputable newspaper which I used to read regularly but it is pro social workers.  Although it can be argued there is nothing wrong with that.  However British social workers have a bad reputation for snatching children who should remain with their parents and not taking the children who should be removed from their parents.  I will always stand by one abused / dead abused child is one too many.  This doesn't excuse social workers not returning children to their parents when it has been proven the parents are innocent.

She also asked if I was going to block the person who gave the answer which I have.  I pointed out in my response to this person that the one who gave the answer has this included in her 'About me':

'As for blocking people, I only block worthless people.'

This person blocks everybody who disagrees with her which includes me so I said  I wondered we she had answered my question when I am a worthless person.  Even though I suffer with low self esteem and little confidence I know I'm not worthless. I simply blocked this person because when she has answered my questions she has been rude.  Blocking her doesn't stop here reading my answers but it stops her giving rude answers to my questions which usually don't answer my question either.  I find this disruptive and pointless.

Another person took it into her head that I was being spiteful based on my comment.  I don't know why she couldn't have just asked me instead of assuming I was just being spiteful.  I chose to ignore this comment:

"@Pip: How very sad you would "block" someone just because you do not like their answers. Did I say that I was the only one. No I just brought up an alternative way to look at the situation other than automatically jumping to the conclusion that the adoptive parents were automatically at fault. As for you and Frockney blocking me, go ahead. It will only prove that you do not have the courage of your conviction or and the ability to defend them. Ahhhh ain't censorship grand."

I don't block people because I don't like their answers as I usually ignore them.  Sometimes I report answers if they have been exceptionally rude / offensive / attacking.  I only have one person blocked and the others are multiple accounts owned by one person who is a troll.  I haven't block this person  as her remark was juvenile and jumping to conclusions.  I have relatives and friends who have adopted who are decent people.  I don't even lump all adoptive parents together on Y!A as most are decent people.  There may be times when I may disagree with them but I still respect them as they are decent nor do I expect them always to agree with me either.  With regard to the article I wasn't even blaming the scam for being victims.  I actually felt sorry for them.  What some people were missing the point on was that a baby was involved in the scam.  The article was based on how it affected the couple without a thought for the baby.

I also received a message from the same person who made some awful assumptions about me yet she should know me better from my answers on Y!A.  I will comment be some of the comments:

Maybe I wouldn't be so "madly" pro-adoption if you would realize that not all people aren't meant to be parents. ~  I have never, ever said that all parents who have children are meant to be parents.  Maybe this person is blinded by the fact that when I say that I also say there are adopters who should never had been allowed to adopt.

I don't even know why I am trying to explain this to you since you are so wrapped up in your own tragedy you can't see anything else but that. ~ I'm not wrapped up in my own tragedy.  It is a reality and a fact that should never have happened in the first place.

I really wish you would spend some times with some of these children, learn what real abandonment and fear is. ~ This is in reference of children who have been abused.  I have spent time with children  that have been abused.  One includes a 9 year old child who was abused by a babysitter.  Why this person should assume I have never spoken to an abused child is beyond me.  If she had asked politely she would have got a less heated response back from me.

I use to feel sorry for you..even though I thought you bore some responsibility..but now I don't. ~ I don't want her pity and have never wanted anybody's pity.  All I have ever wanted is for people to believe me.

You have revealed yourself to be as spiteful as anyone else. ~ I wasn't being spiteful and explained in my message why I blocked the person.  The person I blocked has made my life a misery for months by calling me a liar, repeatedly tells me she doesn't believe my story and has even accused me of being a troll with multiple accounts.  Every time I have politely defended myself only for her to turn it back on me and say I started it.  She has made a good job of playing the victim despite being picked up bullying me in the first place.  So, I have been put in my place like a naughty little girl that people can be spiteful towards me and I'm expected to rollover and take it.  Like a naughty little girl who is strong willed I shall carry on defending myself. 

I told you once before to seek help and to learn about forgiveness before it ate you up but you haven't. ~  Some people can be so arrogant.  She is not qualified to tell me to seek help which I did long before I ever went onto Y!A.  The counsellor I saw told me she learned from me on how to help mothers who have surrendered.  I gained far more from other mothers who have surrendered.  They were the ones who helped me learn how to cope and that it is okay to talk about my experiences.  Unfortunately some people want to shout me down and stop me from talking.  I don't understand why they see me as a threat.  It's acceptable for them to speak of their experiences so they should respect my right to speak as well.  My parents did a good job on me to silence me for 23 years.  Subsequently it took time for me to sort my head out.  I refuse to be silenced by faceless strangers who have crossed my path on the internet.  She also chooses to ignore the fact that I have publically forgiven those who have hurt me.  I asked her in my response whom I am supposed to forgive.  Not surprisingly I haven't had a response back nor go I expect one back.  What can I expect though from someone  who doesn't know me, hasn't got a clue what she is talking about and yet thinks she knowa me better than I know myself?

      

 Do you really think it is healthy to pick at your wounds every single day, over and over and over? ~ Sharing my experiences isn't licking my wounds, it's telling it as it is.  I might even educate someone along the line and it may encourage someone to parent instead of surrendering.

Get help Pip because whether or not you know it or realize it, this site is making you sicker. ~ This just made me laugh; if this is the best she can do then she obviously can't think of a good reason to warn me off.  

It's the weekend and the trolls are out to play.

Yes that's right the weekend and the favourite time for the trolls to come out and play on Y!A.  It happened over night and I can rely on my favourite people letting me know.  We have our suspicions who it is and she has multiple accounts.  This time the fake member goes by the name 'Pip' which is very original and very conveniently the same name I use there and also the name people know me as online.  Nothing wrong with me doing that as it's the shortened version of my name.

This troll also decided to be clever by using basically the same avatar as me.  Her 'About me' is an attempt to mock me.  I've since changed my avatar so it will be interesting to see if she does the same.

 This is her 'About me' so anybody who knows me will know this is mocking me:

I'm a birth mother. I choose to give my son up and give him the shot at a great life. After reuniting with him years later I am very glad I made that decision as he is just not someone I particularly care for, I am certainly glad I didn't have to raise him LOL! Also, the choice to give my son up for adoption has freed up so many hours for me to post on internet forums and eat cheesecake, while most real parents have to spend their time doing that parenting crap I get to spend dozens of hours online everyday. Yay! I feel very strongly about adoption and believe that it is a very wonderful system providing unwanted children with loving, deserving families. 

It's incredible what extent some people will go to just to upset me.  It hasn't worked as this is just stupidity and very juvenile.  I have obviously got under this person's skin enough to try anything.  She has also got more time on her hands than I have to answer nine questions that I have answered.  I may spend hours at a time on the internet but at least I am doing something constructive such as being supportive at the same time.  We run several forums and the most popular one is the depression forums.  Not only am supportive but I have made lovely friends through it.

This question was the one that the troll gave the most juvenile answer:   

 http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlhF37yJhqBAvwzgabFfkC3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20121005075033AAC4UQy

Adoption: Would you do it why or why not? BQ questions?

1. Would you adopt, why or not?
2. Would you adopt first and then have biological kids, or have your kids first then adopt, or mix it up
3. How many kids would you adopt? Would you want them to be from the same mom or dad?
4. Would you adopt a boy or girl and why?

Pip:

1. Would you adopt, why or not?
No, I don't care for other people, not even my own son.
2. Would you adopt first and then have biological kids, or have your kids first then adopt, or mix it up
Neither, had one bio and choose to give him up for adoption.
3. How many kids would you adopt? Would you want them to be from the same mom or dad?
None, that would take time away from all the hours I spend on Yahoo Answers.
4. Would you adopt a boy or girl and why?
I'm much too busy with my online forum posting to adopt children

I must be doing something right to be picked on although this is the most original way to date.  Others have done their bit by reporting the answers by this troll and so have I.  It wont stop me going onto Y!A either.  I have the philosophy that people can ignore me if they don't like my answers and if I get a reaction then I know they have read my answer.  It's a sad word that adoption is still be promoted, sold as wonderful and a win-win situation for everybody.  Financially the real winners are the adoption industry.  I'm not disputing whether abused children should be removed or not, they should be removed from their parents have the right to be raised by people who will love them  For some people they refuse to accept that adoption isn't always wonderful, it isn't always in the child's best interests, and, adoptees and mothers do suffer loss.

When is a mother not a real mother?

When she has surrendered a child according to the gospel of a woman is wants to be a foster mother and potentially adopt a foster child.  This is the 'wonderful' comment that left me shaking my head:

"A real mother (birthmother or adoptive mother), raises their kids."

Hmm I breathe in air, I eat food, drink fluids, I move so therefore I must be a real woman.  I also went through pregnancy, gave birth to my son and been a mother to him post reunion so therefore that makes me a mother.  Okay so really I am a fake throwaway mother.

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here, so I will continue to use it."

This is in reference to Y!A and plenty of people have said it's an offensive term there.  This person has absolutely no respect for anybody's feelings then wonders why she is attacked.  As far as she is concerned it's the correct term to use so therefore is fine to be disrespectful of a person's feelings.  The same person has even sunk low enough to accuse me of not knowing how to spell adopter ~ she spells it adoptor.     

"Therefore, adoptive mothers ARE real mothers. To say otherwise is offensive."

Personally I have never said adoptive mothers aren't real mothers.  What I generally say is adoptees have to real mothers; one that gives birth to the child and the other raises the child.  Just because a mother doesn't raise a child doesn't mean she isn't raising a child.  Adoption doesn't wipe the mother who has gone through pregnancy and given birth to a child.

This followed on in the rant:

"So, from now on, I will just refer to them as mothers and fathers."

Nothing wrong with that but can be confusing when someone is referring to natural parents and adoptive parents.  In the early years I used to refer to my son's adopters as his parents but then I had to clarify so after that I used the term adoptive parents.  My response to the person was to tell her to grow up.

This is a comment that she is starting to use more and more in her answers:

"Where I live, birthmother just means someone that gave birth. I will continue to use that word. It is not offensive here,"

I'm not sure whether she is just missing the point or deliberately posting it just to annoy people.  Everybody who goes on the adoption section of  Y!A knows the term is used for mothers who have surrendered. Maybe she is right but I don't know that as I don't know where she lives.

Of course if I could change history I would have raised my son.  I can't though and I don't see why I should be driven away from a site just because of the ignorance of one person.  I like a challenge anyway and it is interesting to see her change her answers to come across as more supportive to mothers making the right choice.  Unfortunately it is so easy to make her show her true colours.  Ir's a shame social workers (or whoever she's going through) doesn't see the answers she gives on Y!A. 

The selfishness of adoption

 Reading a question online today was yet another reminder of the selfishness of adoption,  A couple were going to adopt a baby that they believed would fit into their family due to seeing the mother and based on what she told them.  The child is transracial so they don't want to adopt the baby now as she wont blend.  From the wording of the question and additional information they had no intention of telling the child she was adopted which disgusted me.  In this day and age it is so easy for family members to find an adopted relative it is also stupidity.

How this intended keeping this child in the dark was beyond me.  Had they gone ahead with the adoption family and friends would have known as their minister had been involved.  All it would have taken would have been an argument or an act of spite for the child to find out.  Also with all the research and information available on the internet it sadly doesn't shock me that there are still adopters who still think it;s acceptable to pass an adopted child off as their own.  Children aren't accessories to fit in with adopters lives they are human beings who deserve to be respected and treated equally to non adopted children. 

The meaning of life......?

When I was young life seemed so simple and I had my dreams.  I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own and dreamed of the quaint cottage in a tiny friendly village existence.  To this day I can't explain why I thought it would be the perfect life.  Maybe it's simply because I was always a dreamer and knew deep down life isn't that simply.

My life couldn't have been more different if I tried.  I worked for a number of years in London which, despite the horrendous journey, I did initially enjoy.  I liked the variety of shops and the market near the office.  What destroyed my social life was being bullied and lied into surrendering my son.  My job no longer meant anything to me as I lost my reason for making something of my life.  I got up, went to work, pretended I was happy, went home then repeated the cycle day in day out.  Even when I socialised I did on auto pilot.  I put on a front and that was it so I became a very lonely person.

I reunited with my son and for a while my life had a purpose that even marriage hadn't given me.  I love my husband but even so I was going through the motions of life.  I was finally able to be myself, the real me.  Over the years I have felt life has finally had meaning for me again.  So why do I feel like life has no meaning anymore?

Constantly telling my story has become a burden.  I feel that often I am wasting my breathe on the realities of adoption for mothers who have been coerced into surrendering.  My whole life feels dragged down by a combination of depression and talking about adoption.  Too many pro adoption supporters / adopters don't want to know about the dark side of adoption.  I feel like I am on a losing battle.  What is the meaning of life for me?     

Sometimes .......

.....I am just happy to be alive.  It helps to get messages that simply make me laugh at the most unexpected times.  I am also very thankful for the members on the depression forums we run.  The members are all from different backgrounds, have different types of depression yet we are all 'there' for each other.  One member, in particular, has a horrific past and it's a miracle this person is still alive due to another person's action.  This member is so supportive and incredibly funny which makes it easy for everybody else to be supportive back.  It's times like this I appreciate what I have.  The members know about my story and accept me for whom I am.

Am I such a threat to (potential) adopters?

No matter how fed up I get with Y!A I haven't quite been able to wean myself off it yet.  I'm a bit more selective what questions I do answer.  It doesn't stop the idiotic attacks I occasionally get.  The following is a private message I received from someone who then blocked me.  I couldn't respond back to this so edited my answer on the question http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=At1h3L9_Hsq2TTk9ytXjiK8hBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120827045917AAmXdgo .

"No one made you do anything. You were 19 and made that choice yourself. Please quit telling people who feel they can't raise a child to raise it. You and your son have issues that don't stem from adoption. I keep telling you that even kids raised by bio parents have mental illness.Most adoptions turn out to be the best thing for a child. Your son sounds schizophrenic. Not caused by adoption. You may want to get checked yourself.

It pisses me off to no end that people like you make all adopters sound wicked and evil. We are going to adopt thru foster care. Please quit telling people that people like me are wicked, all because YOU made the choice all by yourself to surrender your child. No one made you do it." 

This is the edit the person put to their answer to the question:

"Edit. Pip. He could have turned out the same way had you raised him. Mental illness and such don't occur because of adoption. He sounds schizophrenic. See if he can get evaluated. My husband's younger brother and sister are on drugs. One is mentally ill. All siblings were raised by bio parents. I have told you this a few times already. And stop blaming everyone else. You were an adult. You had a job. You were capable of raising a child. You signed those papers of your own free will. You could have put your foot down and said no to adoption. But you didn't. I don't care who lied, coerced, bullied, etc. You signed the papers. Perhaps you need a mental health evaluation."

I sometimes wonder why these people assume they know what really happened when my son was adopted.  I lived it, I know what happened so how the heck can anybody tell me that nobody forced me to do anything?

No there wasn't any physical force but I was still bullied, lied to, even suffered emotional abuse.  I did have a choice which was to parent.  I believed the lies as it was my parents who were lying as they hadn't lied before so I had no reason to believe they were then.  The case worker should have been truthful but she also lied.  How was I supposed to know she lied when I didn't know my rights which she with held from me?

I constantly said no to my son being adopted and I certainly didn't sign the Consent to Relinquish form of my own free will.  I know for a fact I didn't as it had to be signed in front of a magistrate and I never saw a magistrate.  I would willingly prove I didn't sign the form if I could get a copy of it.  

I will not stop pointing out all options to expectant mothers considering their options.  It's not my problem if some people are so obsessed with adoption / adopting that they can't see beyond their needs out.  If an expectant mother reaches out for support because she's not sure if adoption is best then I will point out the negatives.  I can't tell anybody what to do but I can point out the pros and cons of the options available.  If people want to twist this to me telling an expectant mother to raise her child that is their problem.

I know my depression didn't start because of depression.  The root cause is the emotional abuse that started when I was 12 or 13 years old.  Being coerced into surrendering made my depression worse.  I should have talked instead of bottling everything up because I was expected to forget my life and forget about my son.  My son has major issues with adoption, he is in denial that his issues have an impact on him, he suffers with depression.  He could have suffered with depression even if I had raised him.  Nobody knows and they certainly don't right to tell me that our issues don't stem from adoption.  This is sheer ignorance and complete denial that adoption can cause depression.  What can I expect from someone so obsessed with adoption being good that they are blinded to the negatives?  

It also infuriates me that anybody can be patronising enough to suggest getting my son evaluated.  I find it equally patronising with the suggestion that maybe I should get evaluated as well. What gives them the right to assume that neither his adoptive parents nor I have tried?  Do people really believe I haven't been to see a doctor to be assessed?

I know I suffer with depression.  Doctors have told me I suffer with depression.  I have been on anti depressants on and off over the years. 

My son's adoptive parents paid for him to see someone but he only went a couple of times.  We got the mental health team involved when my son lived with us as we were at our wits end with his behaviour.  At first we thought the sessions were helping and we even had family sessions although he didn't want his adoptive parents there.  I don't think it would have made much difference.  Eventually we knew my son wasn't being completely honest so on the last family session I told him a home truths.  I still believe he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear instead of being completely honest.  It is beyond me though how someone can conclude that another person could be schizophrenic without knowing that person.

This person has never told me that even children raised by their parents can suffer with mental illness.  It's  an idiotic thing to say to me as my depression stems from emotional abuse and I am not adopted.  I know a number of non adopted people who suffer with depression.    

Most adoptions being the best for the child is open to debate.  I completely agree that abused children should be removed from their parents but there are other alternatives to adoption.  Legal / special guardianship works and children can be with family members.

I have never, ever said or written that all adopters sound wicked or evil.  Many are decent people regardless of their reasons for adopting.  I respect the ones who educate themselves and admit that they were naive about adoption and it's effect on mothers and adoptees.  I respect them for backing adoptee and mothers rights.  I certainly don't hold anything against my dad's cousin and his wife who adopted internationally in the 1960's.  Attitudes were different nor did people understand then the effect adoption has on children let alone those adopted internationally.  I had a school friend who was adopted who is well adjusted and loves her adoptive parents who helped her find her mother.  I have got to know other adoptive parents whom I have learned so much from.  All I ever do is sometimes question the motives of potentially adopters as they come across as needy, entitled and having no consideration of the child's needs.

I have come to the conclusion that I scare some adopters and potential adopters because I refuse to stop telling the truth.  I refuse to let them bully me and I will never give into these ignorant people. 

Mother?

Mother?

Who am I to the world?
Not a mother I am told,
Just an ordinary woman,
What am I, if not a mother?

No child for me to raise,
For me no one to praise,
A wife is all I am now,
What am I, if not a mother?

The ache in my heart,
My world blown apart,
Emptiness filling my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Loneliness that I can't express well,
A void not filled for me to dwell,
Sadness always part of my life,
Not to be a mother ever.

Time to move forward firm,
To a happier future I turn,
Nothing I can change in my past,
My truth is I am a mother.

I do not know what my future holds,
Only that my past must fold,
I now know who my son is,
My truth is that I am a mother.

Reunion

Reunion

Reunion was something I never expected,
A dream I couldn't allow myself,
If it happened then be deeply regretted,
A dream to be put on a high shelf.

Enduring the years with regret in my heart,
Wishing I had support and been stronger,
That I could relive that time with me son a part,
Knowing that I could only ever ponder.

Unhappiness deep in my soul, my very being,
A happy face for the world to see,
A pain deep inside like a tide never receding,
Never showing the complete and real me.

Nobody to talk to who would understand,
My silence was my invisible wall,
Until the day I found my son, a shock for me,
Wanting to be brave, not wanting to fall.

I wasn't prepared for what was to follow,
Pain, joy, sadness, love, so many emotions,
Nothing could replace the years of sorrow,
Or prepare me for our future conversations.

Our reunion hasn't been so perfect,
Words that have been spoken,
That cannot be taken back then perfected,
Wanting the time over again.

Nobody knows the damage done to two souls,
Until it is too late for mother and child,
One old enough to remember, taking a toll,
The other too young, oh child of mine.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a precious time,
A day to honour your mother,
And a day for hope for the future,
Of love always being shared.

What about the forgotten mothers?
The ones who have no child,
Lost yet never forgotten ever,
Not to be remembered by their child.

A mother yet not a mother,
Society sees to this for them,
Hearts aching to be acknowledged,
Silently hoping and praying.

Hearts yearning for their lost child,
The hole never being filled,
Pain burying deep down inside,
Sorrow hidden by a well worn mask.

Dreams of being acknowledged one day,
Hope flickering like a candle brightly,
Of the door being flung open,
For all mothers to be rejoiced.

A mother's love is forever eternal,
Like a flame burning brightly and strong,
No wind strong enough to blow it out,
Shining strongly like a beacon in heaven.

Pain In My Heart

Pain In My Heart

Words that shouldn't have been said,
Anger taking over from common sense,
Emotions taking over instead of being shared,
So a wall is put up, if not a fence.

Fear takes over instead of our common sense,
Not wanting any one to get too close,
Pain, fear, friendship and happiness untold,
Trust never found for fear of betrayal.

My pain has been with me for so long,
I wanted to let go but my son couldn't,
His anger and mistrust taking over completely,
He needed space yet I couldn't take anymore.

Now I am dealing with my pain with good help,
My son not dealing with his, weighing me down,
I have to deal with mine without him in my life,
Sadness is overwhelming but what can I do?

My son has to deal with his anger and pain,
I want to help him yet he wont let me,
I have to let go for my own sanity,
Life goes on the best way I know how

Memories

Memories

Once a young woman without a care,
Working by day and at night having fun,
Plenty of friends to share my life with,
Then came a boyfriend to steal my heart.

Life was too short to worry about tomorrow,
I was happy and falling in love with my man,
Having fun and going out such good times,
We got engaged little did I know he'd change.

I was so happy I didn't see him change,
Slowly the possessiveness and jealousy set in,
Still loved him though and carried on,
I was like a trapped bird wanting to fly.

I wanted to please him so settled down,
Until one day I wanted to see my friends,
My man I wanted but wanted my life too,
We compromised and I thought we'd get closer.

One day it got so bad that we split,
I was broken hearted but knew it was best,
Little did I know how bad the future would get,
How so much time would be wasted for me.

Not much time later I knew I was pregnant,
No baby for me to keep my parents decided,
My baby was born no support given to me,
One tiny life that needed his first mother.

I battled the decision but lies won he went,
My heart was broken for the child I wanted,
Never mentioned as if he had never existed,
My life was to go on like nothing happened.

The years went by I went a bit wild,
Living my life as if without a care,
Inside I was in turmoil outside happy,
The pain never went but life carried on.

Men came into my life but I couldn't trust,
I became hard on the outside not needing a soul,
Inside I was a sad young woman crying,
Until the day I tried to trust another young man.

We got married the years haven't been easy,
I just wanted to be loved and to be needed,
Has it been worth it I wondered often,
I haven't been alone and have been needed.

Last year I found my boy to my shock,
Scared but needed to know he was okay,
To discover he had already found my family,
Why couldn't they be honest with us both.

I love my son very much no matter what,
He is part of my life like my husband,
My future I need to plan with care,
How better can my life be with my two men.

R.E.U.N.I.T.E.D.

R.E.U.N.I.T.E.D.

Relinquishment, the hardest thing to do for any woman,
Her baby lost to adoption, never to be hers again,
Sadness, pain, torn to pieces, two lives that need repairing,
The future is bleak for the mother who's lost her child.

Enduring onwards, the pain to be beaten down,
Despair and heartache always there, hidden by a smile,
Pretending the world is rosy and moving forever on,
The hard exterior hiding so many cracks beneath.

Undying love for the lost child keeps her going on,
The years go by and the memory never, ever fades,
Work occupies her mind during the day, partying at night,
Life has to go on , the act never broken as she is strong.

Nothing really changes inside with birthdays as a reminder,
Men come and go in her life as she will not commit,
Too frightened to get close, too frightened to be pregnant,
Fears of pressure and lies that cannot be fought again.

Intense pain eventually buried so deep inside her soul,
Needing to be loved before she is too old for love,
A young man, younger then her, determined to win her,
She accepts his love, frightened to end her life alone.

Trust in another begins to grow though not completely,
She needs another despite being guarded and keeps control,
They marry and travel through their life together cautiously,
The years go by with her still hurting but not alone.

Eventually her dream comes true for closure at last,
To find her son simply by chance, not prepared,
Her heart acts then her head takes over in complete fear,
The fear dispels, the response from her son positive.

Dreams do come true for those good of heart and faith,
Today I couldn't be happier even if I tried any harder,
My Lord took me on a journey I couldn't begin to understand,
Yet now I do knowing my precious son is alive.

The First Meeting

The First Meeting

I had only seen my son one time,
As a newborn held in arms of mine,
So perfect and small, so precious,
My son I would love but not to see.

Twenty three years later I find him,
My shock over shadowed by my love for him,
Love that had been within my very soul,
Finding him has made my existence whole again.

Overwhelmed I was with all of this,
Wanting to know so much was my wish,
Fear of rejection was in my thoughts,
Learning to talk and all that it brought.

One day I suggested we meet if he wanted,
My son agreed, my wish was granted,
The deep yearning to see how he looked,
My feelings so complex I couldnt talk.

So many feelings resurfacing from deep inside,
The hurt and the pain, of tears I had cried,
Of not parenting my son, not seeing him grow,
Missing so much of of his life, I was low.

I was scared but needing to see him,
My love for him was great and never dim,
The day came quickly and I was glad,
Never again would I have to feel so sad.

My son was an hour late to our meeting place,
My thoughts of lost years not to be replaced,
The start of new memories of times to come,
Waiting there in an early day of autumn.

He walked straight past me into the pub,
I waited a few moments then into the noisy pub,
Then I sat by him, scared to talk to him,
Amazed that there was no mistaking my kin.

We talked and I gave him a copied marriage certificate,
He gave me photographs, was this my fate?
To meet then no more contact for us,
One of the photographs of him as a baby, why did I fuss.

The tears dried quickly as we shared a hug,
I didn't want to let go, it was like a drug,
The afternoon and evening went far to quick,
I made the most of it being strong as a brick.

The day couldn't have been better,
Except for my husband being at the end of his tether,
We sorted this out, our love strong,
With my son the much needed bond.

What more could I ask for of my men,
I love them both in different ways then,
A day to remember always, never forgotten,
A sense of peace that is my own haven.

First Mother

First Mother

I am a mother yet I am not acknowledged,
No more children for me yet I have one,
To the world I am married yet childless,
My son loves me yet I have none.

My heart aches for what I have lost,
Yet my heart is happy for what I have gained,
I may not have a child in my life,
Yet who knows I may gain grandchildren.

My son is so special to me,
He has yet to trust another,
His love is yet to grow for him towards me,
All I want to be is a second mother.

We have much in common through our genes,
I want to hug him so many times,
We are as one family he knows what it means,
What more could I want life is so fine.

Self indulgence

We have had our friends youngest son over since Thursday and he has been comical at times.  'Little man' as we affectionately call him is three years old, is still in nappies and he is 'behind' in his speech. His parents have been told he could be autistic.

Over the past couple of days I have been getting him on the toilet every 3 - 4 hours which seems to be doing the trick.  'Little man' wakes up with a wet nappy and doesn't do anything when I get him on the toilet first thing.  That doesn't bother me as he stays dry for the rest of the day.  It's become a bit of a game as he knows he gets a hug and a treat for using the toilet.

Each afternoon 'little man' has become extremely happy and funny which has lasted until he has fallen asleep.  We have found the trick to get him to sleep when we want him to sleep is for me to cuddle him.  It has been a little bit of self indulgence on my part as I never got to do this as my son was adopted and not having any more children.  I have enjoyed him snuggling in and cuddling me until he is asleep.  This evening 'little man' was even happier than usual so did every thing he could think off to stay awake including pinching himself.  He decided he was going to play with me and was shrieking with laughter as I gave into him.  If I stopped 'little man' would shout 'Pip' until I started playing with him again.  Eventually tiredness got the better of him and he did start yawning and calmed down.  I had to put him down though as he was fighting the tiredness.  Within about 15 minutes 'little man' gave in and was sound asleep.

It's at times like this that the ache of not raising my son hits me hard. 'Little man' has blue eyes the same as my son does which leaves me feeling a bit choked up at times like this. He has brown hair though whereas my son has blonde hair.  I wonder, when I play with him, what it would have been like raising my son.  What he was like at the same age?

In the past I found it hard to interact with friends sons.  It was too painful.  Maybe having been reunited has helped me to work through that.  My friends sons love spending time with us as we take them over the park and to the local locomotion museum.  The other two have bright ginger hair and aged 5 and 9 so very independent.  Of course these days I have to deal with the pain and sadness of knowing I will never know my grandson.  My son has made his feelings quite clear.  This is what adoption does, for us it has destroyed our lives and my son is allowing the cycle affect his son's life by not including one grandmother.

When will it stop? 

Happy Birthday Anthony

Another birthday has arrived and today you are 31 years old.  As always I am thinking off you and hoping you are having a good time.  Give your son a hug every day as this time with him is precious.  Before you know he will be a grown man himself.  The years go by too quickly.  I will always love you more than you realize. 

Capturing those special moments.

We have our friends youngest son over for a few days.  When he is on his own he is a little sweetheart and much easier to deal with when he is told off.  The little angel is three years old, he is 'behind' with his speech and is still in nappies (diapers ;) ).

This afternoon and this evening 'little man' as we affectionately call him has been very happy.  Hubby was sleeping for a few hours as he hasn't been sleeping well lately.  'Little man' spent quite a bit of time on my lap chattering away in his way pointing at different things trying to pronounce the words for different things.  It made me smile and I was saying the words then he would attempt to repeat back.  Today 'little man' said one of our dogs names for the first which made me laugh as he said it so clearly.

This evening 'little man' snuggled right into me but refused to give into the tiredness.  If I tried moving slightly to get more comfortable he would fling his arms round me.  It was an effort not to cry as I missed out on all this with Anthony.  It's the first time in years that my emotions overwhelmed me.  I was glad I had a good excuse to cuddle him.  'Little man' loves his cuddles as he has to fight for attention at home.  His brothers interfere when he has 'mum' time.  For me, tonight, it has been a stark reminder of what I have missed out on not raising Anthony.   

Grief

On a forums I rarely 'visit' thread was started titled feelings of mothers after relinquishing their child.  One of the responses reminded me of the day of my mother's funeral.  I had found it hard to grief for my mother, most of the time I felt numb.  There had been unresolved issues between us mostly to do with my son.  She had never accepted him and I could never understand why she could love her first granddaughter yet so easily reject him just because I was single.  My mother loved all her granddaughters as they came along.  

When my son found my family my mother still couldn't accept him.  He was an adult, there was no mistaking he was my son but something inside my mother still wouldn't switch on.  I cannot understand how a mother can reject a grandchild when she knows what it is like to love her own children.  The rejection was bad enough for her to send him a letter in 2001 telling him to accept I didn't want to be found.  She knew that I wanted to be found  so it was cruel of her to lie.  What else could I have expected though as my family didn't tell him where I was.  The lame excuse was that they didn't know where I was but my sister had told my husband about my son.

On the day of the funeral I was okay until the service ended and we were going outside.  I got to the vicar then I absolutely howled.  Naturally he thought I was crying because it was my mother's funeral.  It went beyond that.  I was crying because she never once said sorry for what she put me through to make sure my son was adopted.  There was also the verbal abuse I suffered at her hands that I was never good enough.  I was always the black sheep of the family.  Nothing I could do would ever change her mind.  I was also crying because my mother had had the attitude that I was nothing to my son.  In her eyes his only mother was his adoptive mother.

Since then I have not been able to cry for my mother.  There was too much damage done and nothing could put it right because my mother refused to accept that she had been wrong.  It is such a profound feeling of pain being separated from a child and it can't be truly explained.

Y!A first - my giggle for the day.

I am wondering if this a first for Y!A for some one to have a dig at me in their question BEFORE I even answer it @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Apqrsb6guh3QjtIgHw8nN4IgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20120718104051AA97sAy .  I wasn't going to answer it and was simply having a look.  It actually made me laugh and just makes the person look stupid.  Personally I think this person is a troll and answered simply because she made me laugh.

This evening I went on the After Adoption forum for the first time in ages.   One of the reasons I don't go on there much is that the terms used for natural families really irritate the heck out of me.  For example the favourite one BM for birth mother then people wonder why some get so offended by it.  The members also go through periods of being nasty when attacking some one.  Nobody is going to agree all time but a little bit of respect goes a long way.  Apart from maybe one or two people nobody I used to get on with posts there any more any way.

I noticed the link for the Daily Mail was posted there and had a few responses.  These were very much 'middle of the road' comments which surprised me.  I responded with the background of the story and why I wont contact Anthony.  It gets back to his last malicious email to me threatening to take legal action if I did.  I only sent the one direct email to him letting him know my mum had died.  For weeks after I was terrified he would take out legal action.  I also worry that if I did have direct contact with him for a while that he would retaliate in a bad way if we then fell out again.  It's one of those cycles I really don't want to get into.

The reality is this hurts more than anything else that life chucks at me.  When depression gets that bad I have support in place.  Whenever I've had an accident and physically hurt myself the pain has gone away after a period of time.  The pain I feel for not being able to have a relationship with my only child is literally gut wrenching.  I feel as if my lungs are being squeezed tight as well to the point it hurts.  This makes me sound completely crazy but it is my life, my feelings.

Touched By Adoption

Touched By Adoption

So many lives,
So many hearts,
So many tears,
So many smiles.

One mother cries,
One mother smiles,
One mother’s guilt,
One mother’s joy.

A child lost,
A child gained,
A child missed,
A child loved.

So many emotions,
So many pains,
So many regrets,
So many disappointments.

One day the pain may go,
One day there may be joy,
One day there may be answers,
One day who knows what happens.

Pip

Aching

Aching

Does the ache inside ever get easier?
Does the ache ever go away?
My life just seems to get messier,
To God I constantly pray.

The ache is still so fresh,
My thoughts have just changed,
Once I thought I was blessed,
Made to feel so ashamed.

My baby son I wasn't to have,
A sweet innocent little child,
My ache was new my life a farce,
No wonder I went a bit wild.

The years flew by and I hid my ache,
Smiling on the outside hurting inside,
Getting married wanting my life to shape,
No more babies for me I cried.

We are growing old and happy together,
Accepting that children aren't in our lives,
Would having children made our lives better,
We don't know but are happy to be alive.

My son and I are reunited together,
But the ache is still there for me to feel,
I love him even more than ever,
My ache will always be there to feel.

Pip

My Love For You

My Love For You

My love for you is so very deep,
You'll never know how I do,
The times I have wanted to leap,
And hug you so tightly right through.

My love for you started before you were born,
Growing inside of me I loved you so much,
Knowing one day I may have my love torn,
Not knowing that my misfortune would turn to luck.

My love for you hasn't diminished just grown,
You have always been part of my heart,
How was I to know how life would be thrown,
Never thinking that in my life you would play a part.

My love for you is as deep as it can get,
You will always be part of my life forever,
Will you ever realize how much this has set,
Within my heart for you and for all eternity.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

So Many Times ....

So Many Times ....

So many times I want to tell you I love you,
The times I wanted to hug and kiss you,
The pain is so deep inside me aching,
But my head tells me to be happy.

So many times I have hated myself,
Wanting to shout and cry out loud,
Wishing I could turn back the clock,
Wondering how I let this happen.

So many times I have dreamed about you,
Hoping that you are happy to be alive,
Then knowing about your life and family,
Still trying to find that inner peace for me.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

For My Son

For My Son

A tiny boy born on a summer's day,
Too young to know the sun's bright ray,
Too young to know his first mother's love,
Too young to know his second mother's need.

The years go flying by to fast,
He's growing into a fine young man,
Loving his mother and his family,
Wondering about his first mother.

One day he is old enough to search,
In his heart he needs to know her,
The truth he needs to know now,
Of why she let him go his other mother.

Five years later his mother finds him,
His questions he can now ask her,
To get to know his roots at last,
From his first mother who loves him.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

The Media

It appears that I am damned if I go 'public' with my story and damned if I don't speak out.

Back in 2009 three articles were written and I got good feed back as they were 'feel good' articles about adoption and reunion.  These were followed through with interviews on This Morning (ITV), BBC South East News and BBC Radio Kent.

Recently the journalist did another article for the Daily Mail -  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2168418/Losing-boy-destroyed-Finding-life-WORSE.html - as a catch up.  This time it was about reunion failing so I expected negative feed back.  I am used to being attacked for being selfish, for making excuses and blaming others for my choices.  This is something I have had to deal with for eight years now.  It used to upset me but now it's like water of a duck's back as these people don't know or understand what I have been through.  It is beyond their comprehension that coerced / forced adoption happens today let alone back in the 1980's.  I would probably feel the same if I hadn't been through it.  After all why why social workers / adoption agencies lie to mothers?  The answer is quite simple the number of babies being surrendered has dropped dramatically in the UK since the 1970's when single mothers started to get  more support.

Only one person has managed to get my back up and that person should know me better as she does know my story.  The problem is that legally the journalist had to be careful what she wrote and how she worded the article.  She does know the full story from my point of view and she knows a bit from my son's point but she hasn't spoken to his adoptive parents.  It also goes further than that from a moral point of view that it wouldn't have been fair to tell it as it was as to how bad it was my son living with us.  There were faults on all sides.  I acknowledge that.  I apologised to my son time and time again.  He was 'never in the wrong', he was 'blameless' yet from my point of view I see a damaged man who is coming up for 31 years.  My son deserves respect for what he has been through nor is it his fault he was adopted.  He has no right, however, to continually blame other people for his behaviour.  He is an adult now.  We tried to help.  We excused his behaviour until I couldn't take any more and exploded.  We did the family counselling and got him counselling.  The problem is while my son is in denial we can't have a relationship because I'm the bad guy and I'm not good enough for him.  He knows I couldn't take any more due to exploding in the middle of the family counselling session and I came out with a few home truths.  It was the first time I ever saw him have nothing to say about his behaviour.  Normally he would turn it back on me and blame me.  It was always my fault.

The person who upset me is questioning my motives and in a negative way.  She is wrong.  I am NOT trying to put off people off searching.  I never said that nor was that printed in the article.  It is simply about a failed reunion and this does happen.  I have got to know people over the years who have had good reunions, bad reunions and others somewhere in between.  I am NOT trying to damage what others have done before me and will continue to do in the future.  It is simply one person's experience of reunion.  I DO support adoption reform.  I DO support everybody who wants the full truth of B.S.E. to be known, of coerced / forced adoptions being public knowledge.  After all I DO know what it is like.  I have had to live with it for almost 31 years.  Adopted adults and formerly fostered adults are entitled to be treated the same as non adopted people.  It is a sad day that I have to defend myself to the very people that know I have an understanding of what they have been through.  I have lived with it and have learned so much from people who were adopted / fostered.  I am NOT the bad guy here.  

The Bump

No I am not cracking up ... yet ... nor I am referring to a popular dance from my mis-spent youth.  Out of need to have a break from working on our websites I decided to get light relief on Y!A.  There was one of the usual 'preying for expectant mothers considering adoption' questions.  Usual stuff of of TTC and wanting to be a mother sooner rather later.  One of the members gave this link http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4236700/ShowForum.aspx and recommended it as a good place to go.  It wasn't so much her answer that bothered me as she did add that it would be easier to adopt an older or even younger child than a baby.  What got my hackles up are some of the posts on it as some of the attitudes are exactly the type that give the adoptive parents and potential adopters a bad name.  What makes it worse is that they really do seem to believe there is nothing wrong with what they are coming out with.

This for starters http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/67032812.aspx and am only quoting the last bit as my jaw dropped.

"Of course, we're already praying we don't get the crazy judge (look, I know he's wanting to look out for the kids, but every 6 months UNTIL THEY'RE 18?!? 3 trips back to Uganda, probably before our child is really old enough for that to be really meaningful?)."

A cringeworthy award for this pic on this thread  http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66856364.aspx

Vomit bucket for this one http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66852671.aspx and 'wonderful' quote from it:

"Even though our baby isn't here yet I've been thinking about writing him a letter for a long time.  Just to tell him what's going on right now, about our meetings with his birthparents and how excited we are for him to get here. "

...and....

"Do you/will you write letters to your child before or after they are placed with you?  Did you/will you take any pictures before the child is actually here? "

Don't you just love the sense of entitlement of a parent's child before the child is born let alone before they can sign away their rights.

This is the last of my favourite 'pass the vomit bucket' moments for the night as I'm tired http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66811665.aspx with regards to 'our BM' .... yes you have read it right 'our BM' aka bowel movement aka possession:

" We just received from our lawyer today our BM's sonogram pictures that she wanted us to have.  What a sweet gesture.  We have made plans to meet her two weeks from today and I am so looking forward to meeting this person who has been working on an adoption plan for her child and wants DH and me to be the parents."

Life beyond adoption?

How does a mother move on and away from adoption?

It is part of her make up, her emotions, every part of her being.  Her baby can be taken away form her physically but her pregnancy and childbirth cannot be wiped away  Her love for her child cannot be taken away.  Nothing can wipe away the experience.

Like so mothers before me and after me I can't ignore the horrors of adoption.  It is something I will always have to live with.  Why does each day have to be so painful?

Life before reunion was easier as I didn't have to talk about my son.  It was easier to keep my emotions locked away.  I could deal with avoiding adoption.

Reunion forced me to face my demons.  Reunion forced me to deal with depression and the root cause.  To deal with suicide attempts.  To deal with self harming.  I was a mother on a mission.  I felt the need to work through my emotions which were powerful.

Nobody warned me of dealing with the dark side of adoption.  Nobody warned me I would have so many critics including my own family.  Nobody warned me I would be accused of lying about being coerced.  Of really wanting my son adopted otherwise I would have, could have stopped it.  Of possible being an unfit mother as adoption happens for a reason.  Maybe my critics are right that I am bitter, angry, a twisted liar, that I need a hobby, that I need to forget about my son as I don't deserve to know him as he believes I'm a twisted liar.  My son has never accused me of being a twisted liar but he has accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't said or done.  He has accused me of saying things that he has actually said.

I have had to deal with the stupid comments such as it's wrong for my son to have called me mum.  It was his choice.  The logic was he has a mother, his adoptive mother, so I don't have the right to be called mum.  It makes no difference that I didn't tell my son what to call me.  Even my own mother had this attitude  She went further to say that she couldn't understand why he wanted to know me as his only family is his adoptive family.  In her eyes I was nothing to him. 

Nothing would make me happier if I could go back and change my life but I can't and I have to live with this pain.  I am so tired of adoption.  The trying to get away from adoption issues except for when I choose to is hard.  How it would be to be able to just get on with life without being caught up in the net of adoption.  Life would be so much easier but I can't cut it completely out of my life.

Dear God, I want to die

This is a prayer I have spoken many times over almost over 31 years now  It isn't asked out of self pity, it is asked out of my reasoning.  I have 'served a purpose'.  I was lied into surrendering my son and he doesn't want to know me anymore.  I have no purpose in this life anymore as I supplied a couple with a baby even though they could have their own.  My family hates me.  I was a mother who believed the lies told by my mother, these lies included:

You choose your son, you choose to be kicked out by us (parents)
You choose your son, you choose to be homeless
You choose your son, you choose to to lose your job
You choose your son, you choose to be denied the right to benefits and being rehomed
You choose your son you choose the right to be denied the right to help from anybody so you will lose our son anyway

I believed the lies so I lost my son because the social worker chose not to tell me that my mum was lying to me.  I have to live with being naive, for not questioning my rights, for being an 'abandoner' simply for not knowing my rights.  My son hates me and I cannot put it right so I have lost the right to know anything about my grandson.  I have lost the will to live.  He hate me that much  he blocked me on Facebook but doesn't know that I have a new account so can see his account and I haven't attempted to contact him as I fear the repercussions.

A few adoption terms

Tummy mommy ~ is a worthy of a Cringe Award.  It is sickly sweet and cutesy.  I first saw the term being used on a forum and it just rubbed me up the wrong way even though it was used in the context of a natural mother.  It's one of those terms that is meant to be endearing but not the best of ways to describe a mother who isn't raising her child.  It's crept onto Y!A but hopefully not for long.

Birth giver ~ This one is slightly better than birth mother but will never be a winner.  If it was used in general terms it wouldn't bother me at all as all mothers give birth.  What makes it offensive is the connotations in regards to adoption and the mother who surrenders a baby.  There is nothing nice about it and that the mother is second best or not a good enough mother to raise her own child.  It;s a new one on me and is being used now on Y!A

Breeder ~ This is what I feel like when referred to as a birth mother. I have never liked the term, never will.  The term breeder rears its ugly head in different places on the internet.  

Birth vessel ~ Again this is another new term that's appeared on Y!A.  There is absolutely nothing nice about the term.  It is incredible that anybody thinks this is an acceptable term  Birth vessel is a very cold term that dehumanizes mothers.

Daddy's baby gel ~ I saw this term today and found it very creepy.  Would be happy never to see it again.

Paper pregnant ~ Whoever invented this term didn't realize how ridiculous it is.  Nobody can be paper pregnant.  I understand the origin of the term but it doesn't take into account mothers who change their minds.  Does that mean potential adopters have a paper failure when the adoption doesn't happen?  Definiteley food for thought.

Adoption's changing face

Yesterday the Olympic torch was carried through our town.  I don't watch the Olympics but it is very unlikely to see the torch again.  Despite the amount of police being in force there was a nice atmosphere and the weather was good.

I am taking each day as it comes.  Severe depression comes and go so I try to concentrate on things that will distract me.  It has become easier to read these days.  I am choosing which battles I am willing to continue standing my stand.  It is easier just to 'walk away' from individuals who refuse to educate themselves and attack mothers like me.  They simply get pleasure from hurting mothers for no better reason than they can.  There are far more important battles to fight and win.  Adoption reform is an important battle as the myths and lies need to be exposed.

People will choose to believe adoption happens for good reasons.  After all who is going to believe that social workers will lies, disregard doctors, psychiatrist and police reports.  They will write that a mother is willing to surrender her baby even when she doesn't.  They will hold back information that can help a mother to keep her child or continually move goal posts just to make an adoption possible.  Relatives are refused guardianship simply because they may let the parents see the child or refused being allowed to adopt because they are too old or they are Christians.  No regard for the mother's wishes are taken into account.  It's all about what social workers want and how much funding they can get from the government.  Don't get me wrong there are good social workers out there and I have got to know them   They do their best to keep families and only keep children in foster care or get them adopted when it's truly in the child's best interests.  These social workers work within the system trying to improve it as that is better than losing their jobs and not being able to help families.
 
These days it is more about educating people that adoption isn't always in the child's best interests and coerced adoptions still happen.  These days it isn't so much about clear cut coercion and more about 'persuasion' that open adoption is wonderful.  What people don't understand is that open adoption can be closed even if it is written in the paperwork.  Also adoptive parents can move or get divorced, there are no guarantees in this world.

Being positive....

Today I feel more positive.   To add to my woes of late I found a lump just above my right leg rwo weeks ago after Rick and I had our photo shoot for the article that is being written.  My skin had been itchy anyway but round that area it also felt a bit tender.  I do suffer with stress / depression related rashes which are either itchy and inflamed or the skin is dry.  Until the lump appeared I wasn't worried but it got larger.  Yesterday I saw a locum doctor rather than the one I usually see.  She knows my medical history whereas the locum doesn't.  He made notes on the computer and examined me then came to the conclusion I have an infection so prescribed cream for the rash.  I found it a bit frustrating as he completely disregarded what I told him about the rash being on ongoing problem.  He also only checked recent medical history.  The doctor told me that if it isn't any better after a week and the lump is still there to go back.  I'm not worried about the rash as it's on ongoing problem that I have learned to live with.  What I am worried about is the lump even though it isn't painful most of the time.  I suffer with a dull ache with it when I have been active.

I know I am a bit anxious about the article and what sort of reaction it will bring out in people.  The past ones have had positive feedback as they have been about reunion and how we dealt with the lows as well as the highs.  This time it's a catch up one which is more to do with the lows.  I love my son very much and I will never regret finding him.  The 'but' is I have had moments when I have wished I hadn't found him due to the heartbreak reunion has caused.  That sounds cruel but it isn't meant to be I am just trying to be honest.

Pre reunion it was easy for me to have my fantasy that my son was happy and had a great life.  That he was okay with being adopted or even that he didn't know.  Finding my son was the happiest day of my life as I knew he was alive, well and believed that he wanted to know me.  Nothing had prepared either of us for reunion so I accept that it wasn't easy for either of us.  We are probably too much alike, more than we had expected.  I wanted reunion to work with all my heart so having to deal with the dark side hasn't been easy.  Even when I have wished that I could have carried on with the fantasy deep down I have been even more certain that I did the right thing contacting my son.  He has had closure and found out medical information.  I know he has finally settled, has a job, has a house and is a father.  If we hadn't had that contact neither of us would have had closure.

The past couple of weeks have just been particularly bad for me emotionally (depression and health), the cyber bullying and finding out information the way I did.  I also fear a backlash for being honest about reunion even though I love my son and don't regret reunion.  The knowing is far better than not knowing.  I would rather know my son is alive no matter what he thinks of me than not knowing or worse still that he had died.

Feeling sorry for myself....

The past few weeks have been tough going and I wonder 'why me' at times. I am hoping I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been hard to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I'm just glad I have my pets to cheer me up. Tasha loves coming out for the last walk with the dogs which means I end up spending at least have the walk tripping over her. The dogs don't help as they try to play with her.

It takes my mind off adoption when I have happy adoption free times. It's difficult to get away from the subject though as I have friends that are affected by adoptions and I'm regularly reading emails from people on the subject. It is inter-woven into my life and sometimes I wish I could be back to the denial times. Life wasn't easier but adoption didn't seem to take over every waking moment. I avoided dealing with my own emotions.

I know I could have refused to do another article about my own story. Something inside me finds it hard to say 'no' so maybe it is my way of dealing with my emotions. I also have had a positive feedback from going 'public'. It is difficult for so many people to talk openly about their own experiences. Some people have told me it is shame that stops them and the blieve that other people will either not believe them or look down on them. This time round I 'm not sure I am doing the right thing. It's horrible feeling like this particularly after all the time it took to make me up for the photographs then the time it took to take all the photographs. Time will tell as I'm not sure if I'm feeling like because of depression or what!

Life after reunion .... ?

There was a time when my purpose in life was to be reunited with my son.  It was what I lived for.  The hope of happiness after the nightmare of coerced adoption.  I had my moments when life got too much and I would overdose but only one was serious enough for me to end up in hospital.  I cried at night for ages afterwards as I was still alive.  Life just seemed pointless, worthless, I was worthless.  A real mother would be raising her child.  I was a failure.  I had no purpose.  When the pain was bad inside I had to let it out.  The only way I could was by cutting myself.  Never enough to do any serious damage yet enough to let the hurt.  The atual cuts never hurt.

When I found my son my prayers were answered.  He was alive, well, had a good life and seemed happy.  Reality set in and I don't think I could have ever have have done anything to make him happy or even like me.  I tried but who can truly be prepared for reunion.  I failed again, made too many mistakes.  Life didn't have a happy ending with reunion.  I've just felt even more inadequate.  I wasn't meant to be a mother no matter how much I wanted this.  Feeling guilty and feeking selfish for wanting a little bit of what other parents have.

I have come full circle.  Reunion feels like a dream at times then I have a moment to remind me it was very real.  The constant, daily battle with feeling suicidal.  Wondering when I will be free from the constant pain caused by adoption.

Real Mother

This is a subject that can be heated in adoption discussions and one that frustrates me.  A real mother, to me in general terms, is a mother who loves, nurtures, looks after her child or children and tries to be the best mother she can be.  A woman can also be a mother figure and I have had the privilege of having a few in my life like that. 

In adoption the adoptive mother is the mother and very real.  When it comes to natural mothers there are extremes in opinions with plenty of grey in between.  Due to being expected to get on with my life and forget about my son I couldn't allow myself to even think off myself as a mother.  I felt like a non-entity for so many years and could never speak of having had a child.  It was mostly shame as after all who doesn't stand their ground about raising their own child.  I didn't even know about coerced adoptions let alone that I had been a victim of this.

Finding my son was the happiest day of my life.  His birth should have been the happiest but even on that day I knew I was on a losing battle to try and keep him.  I finally felt like a proper mother.  The first time my son called me mum left me with a warm glow and the first time we met I knew instinctly we had a bond.  By the time he came to live with us it felt normal to tell people I had a son if I was asked.  It is obvious that we are mother and son when we have been together and in the photographs I have.  In the time he was living with us I also finally felt like a real mother, something I never thought or expected to happen.  Since he has moved out I still feel the same despite everything that has happened.  He has decided he wants a new life his way so I am leaving it at that.  I don't ecpect to be part of it ever but I don't ever regret the time we had.  I sometimes wonder if he treats his adoptive parents the same so I wouldn't be surpised to find out he does.  He has so many issues with them and me.

Every time the debate comes up about real mothers I am regularly told I'm not a real mother nor can I call myself a mother.  The attitude from those that believe that is I surrendered him so my son's only mother is his adoptive mother therefore his only real mother.  In their eyes it doesn't matter that I went through pregnancy and childbith I gave him up.  They wont accept that I was coerced and being a mother to him post reunion still doesn't me a mother let alone a real mother.  Mothers can love more than one child so why can't adopted people love more than one mother or consider they have more than one real mother?

http://www.forgottenmothersuk.org.uk

Cyber bullying at its worst

In all the years I have been using the internet I haven't had any problems with cyber bullying until last year.  There have been times I have fallen out with people and we've either made up or ignored each other afterwards.

The cyber bullying started on Y!A by someone using the name 'Alice' who claimed to be a natural mother who surrendered a daughter, is married and had a step daughter.  She claimed to have some contact with her daughter but it was a mutual decision not to pursue the relationship.  'Alice' claimed that she was going to adopt her step daughter whom she had been a 'mother' too since being married to her father.  She also claims to work in the adoption field and her tag line is adoption is a labour of love.  Quite quickly she started attacking me claiming I was a liar, I hadn't been coerced and my son didn't want to know me because he knows I'm a liar.  'Alice' also had a follower, 'pocmoz32' that is very possibly an altered ego but I can't prove that.  This 'person' was equally annoying in the attacks.  It stopped for several months.

Earlier this year it started up again but this time 'Alice' came back as '?' but all the regulars knew who it was because of her tagline.  Now, apparantly, the step daughter had died so would explain the silence although there are users who disbelief a lot of what she claims is going on in her life.  I have accepted it.  Over the past few months the attacks have intensified, been malicious and downright hurtful.  I am now a twisted liar, my son went to Canada to run away from me and my lies and I have been caught out on my lies.  The final straw was '?' posting links in questions to prove that I have been caught out.  The last question was in reference to the first part of the youtube video of the This Morning interview and asking if this was a case of coerced / forced adoption.  The interview was about reunion and the subsequent problems we went through.  It wasn't about coerced / forced adoption so the interview as no relevence to this types of adoption.  It left me in a dreadful state and I kept breaking down over the weekend.  Due to the complaints questions have been removed and most of the comments.  Only one or two remain.

I was at that point that I wanted to withdraw my presence from online as much as possible.  The intention to jack it all in over speaking out about adoption was a very real intention.  I was on a virtual nervous breakdown and only stopped myself from overdosing because we had our friends children over.  That was my life saver!  Since then I have had so much support that it has been overwhelming.  I will be eternally thankful to everybody who has supported me over the past few days.  You all deserve a medal and a huge 'thank you' from me